A Walk on the Pagan Path
MeadowMoon March 1st, 2010
This past month has certainly been an interesting one for myself. I completed my degree on January 30 so I found that I had a lot of extra time on my hands. It didn’t take long for me to find something to fill that extra time with. An interesting thing about a person’s spiritual journey is that you never know when a thought will enter your mind and force you to face it until it is resolved. It may keep popping in off and on, but eventually resolution will be reached which was the goal to begin with. I had a couple of moments like that this past month, but I will only share one here. Maybe after you read my experience, you will have your own similar story to share.
I was driving to the store a few weeks ago. As usual, I passed many churches with their message signs out in front. One sign in particular caught my attention. It read “Father Forgive Me”. As soon as I read those words, I could feel my blood begin to boil. The only words that I found repeatedly racing through my mind were “How dare you!!” Maybe this was a bit of an over-reaction, but I think it has been building up inside of me for years now. Finally, whatever bubble was trying to hold it all in BURST!
Over the next several days, I continued to think about that sign. I felt angry and hurt. I felt deeply offended. I absolutely hated that sign more than any other sign I have seen in my life. I decided that I needed to take some time and deal with these feelings I had toward Christianity. Over the years, I never really faced my feelings on this subject. When I began my journey on the pagan path, I simply turned my back on Christianity and started walking in the opposite direction. There was no obvious closure made. I can only assume that because I didn’t say a formal good-bye, that is the reason I react the way I do at times. I finally found the time and I made myself ready for what I had to do. I had to talk to Jesus….for the last time.
I waited until I knew I would not be disturbed for a couple of hours. Around midnight, I grabbed my blanket and walked outside. I sat down and cleared my mind the best I knew how. Then I began. Over the next two hours, I yelled, I screamed, I cried, I shook my head and my arms. I told Jesus exactly what I thought about him and his followers. I told him him how hurt I was to become an adult and learn I had been tricked by him and his churches. I was of ashamed him. I thought it was insulting to be made to follow someone because of all the fears that were placed in my mind and my soul. I explained that I realized now the I never stood a chance. How can you have a chance when you are born a sinner. I cursed at the top of my lungs. I told him what he could do with his commandments and his sheep. By the time I was done, I was mentally exhausted. I was physically exhausted. I wiped away my tears and looked up at the sky one more time. I said, “Jesus, I am through with you. I am resposible for my own soul and I will not allow you to have your hands on it. As for the rest of my family, that is their decision. Chances are you will never hear from me again. This suits me just fine because you can no longer threaten me with your Hell.” I picked up my blanket, walked into my house and immediately fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t feel the least bit of guilt for what I had done. I actually felt a sense of peace that I have not felt before in my life. However, this was short lived. Within the next day or two, I was faced with even more. It involved my walk on the pagan path and finding what worked best for me. I had do dig deep within myself in order to answer some questions I never had answers for. During this exploration, I faced a lot about myself and finally found the real me in the spiritual chaos I created deep within. As you can already see, February was quite an eventful month.
For those of you who are currently walking the pagan path but were once Christians, can you relate to my story? Have you ever felt angry? What imprints has Christianity left on you? Feel free to share your story with me and the other readers. I had to have closure. I did what I felt was necessary for myself. Have you had to do the same? If so, how did you do it?
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I think there are many pagans out there who might consider themselves to be “Recovering Catholics”, myself included. Honestly I have no problem whatsoever with Christianity or any of its subsets. More so I have a problem with many of its followers who take a beautiful thing and twist it. I still have some opinions that are laced with my Christian upbringing, especially where relationships are concerned. A person may move from France to Canada and after a time consider themselves officially Canadian, but they still hold some of those French cultural traits that make them who they are, that make them unique.
I don’t think anything you did was worthy of guilt. See? there it is. Your Christian upbringing leaves you pondering guilt over getting angry. I find no problem in you waking up without any ‘guilt’ because it wasn’t quilt in the first place. You said those thoughts had been building up and seeing the church sign was the proverbial straw. You were merely opening that pressure valve on your soul.
I have always felt a strong connection to the earth and nature. I bought a few Wicca books about 10 years ago, but didn’t really get involved with it. A couple of months ago I became really interested again and started reading. Whether or not I have a true blood witch background, I may never know, but my mother and I have always felt the same about spirituality and it leans away from Christianity. I started some geneology work to trace back my heritage. I know my blood is Irish, English and Scottish and I feel a strong need to find it and and the Craft. However, I was raised believing in God and Jesus, but never taught much about them or even taken to church much. I didn’t start to “practice” Christianity until a few years ago. I wanted to get married in a church and the church my husband and I chose insisted we go through a lesson plan on the bible. We were baptised and married. Recently I have become confused as to what it is I am supposed to follow. How true is Christianity really? And how do you decifer it all? I know Christianity came after paganism,so paganism would be the truth, but the bible says….. How could a God who is supposed to be so loving threaten us? I’m stuck between a rock and hard place. My thoughts are kind of scattered and I’m sure that has shown in my reply, but I believe I can relate to your story and I understand your frustration.
I think one’s relationship to Christianity has a lot to do with the types of Christians one has encountered. For example, I grew up in a family and a community comprised of relatively liberal Catholics who placed emphasis on a loving, benevolent God and Jesus’ message of compassion and tolerance. As a result, I continue to respect Christians and their ideas even though I now feel I identify more with the Pagan way of life.
Just found your site and really am enjoying it!!
My motto is “Live and let Live.” Like “An it harm none.” Raised with born again christians, I was always a free thinker even when I was in church. Didn’t start living my true life until 10 yrs ago when I started to discover and search other religions and faiths for myself. The Pagan path is what I have arrived at. Eveyone has to follow their true path, to each their own. I have family memebers that don’t talk to me now because I have let their church. But I am at peace with my chosen path.
)O(
I had a almost the same experience a few years ago after walking away from the “church” I had been highly involved in church life for over 20 years and when I finally opened my mind and my eyes I was angry for a long time. I still get angry if I dwell on it all too much. I have many christian friends and family and I just avoid the subject most of the time. They know how I feel and if they push too much I can push back. They have learned to avoid that. I know more about the bible and chritianity than they do and they know it. I wrote a poem a year or so ago that I would like to share here if you don’t mind.
Judge me? Don’t you dare
I watch you from my lair
I see the things you do
When you stand and leave Your pew.
I have watched you as You drive
to attend your Rendezvous .
You dare to say I’ve Lost my way
I tell you I have found
More than I can say
No more will I listen To your lies
And watch you as you Criticize,
everyone who Lives and breathes
As you walk around
With your mask in place
To hide your twisted and distorted face
You speak sweet and pious prayers
While your whispers and your stares
Tell a different story to those Unawares.
Your own book says it best
I quote- you are lukewarm water
On you God chokes.
Copyright ©2009 Deborah T von Fossen
Interesting.
How can you blame a god or his son for what man has taught you? It is man that creates all the bad or good in the nailed god religion. I was “taught” about Christianity. Went to Church a few times. I was always amazed by the hypocrisy of it. Many of the ideas were taken from pagans and most of the holidays were also used with only the names changed. But I was raised to revere nature and the earth, and that all had life, even the rocks that most do not notice. I, when in a church always felt ill at ease, like an outsider. How can a man made structure compare with any of the wonders in nature?? A god can and does know you anywhere anytime. He/she can hear you anytime or place, especially when you only think what you mean and many times you do not even have to think it. I did love the few “sun rise” services I attended. I only have been admitting any of this, non-nailed god belief to “outsiders” in the last few years, as I was raised to not tell others. I am of Welsh, Scots, English, German and Swede descent and yes all have their own “ways” or “gifts/curses” and yes it has been handed down to me. Many of the “links” have been broken thru time, but it still remains with me. All who read about any of this “paranormal” or about pagan ways, remember what you are reading is from one man and each has his own opinion, you the individual have to sort it all out and find your own way. I know some of you have groups or covens, this is nice, but do not let others decide for you, the “power” is in your own revaluations.
I wish all Dark/Bright Blessings.
Iam getting so annoyed with Christians in general recently. I have been shopping in the town centre today and there they were……stood there with banners saying “Join us with Jesus and repent your sins, god our father, blah blah blah”. Why? what have I done wrong? Then in the shops they are selling chocolate eggs….what has that got to do with jesus being crusified (and the day changes every year due to the moon) Over the last few months I have become so interested in pagan beliefs. I have always felt close to nature and love the seasons. Why are we taught in school to believe in “God”? It is unfair to teach something which is just not true!!! Its all over, wherever I go, whatever I do. Also I have learnt that there are so many people who call themselves christians but don’t even know what they are celebrating most of the time! They also have no idea what pagan means. Some people I have spoken to actually belive that we go out into the woods at night killing animals and cook them on a fire! Complete ignorance. I feel so much happier now I am a pagan, relaxed, feel my-self after all this time, no more time wasting on that thing called god or the lord! I appreciate all the natural things on this beautiful earth. Let all them so called christians carry on praying and repenting their sins and see if it makes them feel happy!