Pulling Up Roots: Home Transitions with Pagan Children

It is human nature to put down roots.  Our community, our home, they are not just where our hearts are but where our roots can push into the earth and bring us grounding.  As pagans we tend to set down roots or acknowledge them in a concrete way.  A hedgewitch may be intimate with every square foot of woods behind her house, a city dwelling druid may have deep conversation with the oak tree that shades his apartment balcony, and the Wiccan family can make a sacred space in their sunroom where each member can rejuvenate in times of stress.  All of these situations and the many millions more that arise in the small moments of our lives can create a strong bond with where we live.  The place that holds our living is full of routine, schedules, meals, laughter, tears and rest.  We rely on home to bring us a sense of peace, shelter and familiarity.

Children need a sense of security and bond to place more than adults do.  They are not as capable of finding anchors for security within their bodies until they are much older, so they rely on their caregivers and their home for their grounding.  When faced with moving to a new house it is very important to prepare children, even more so than the logistical aspects like packing and cleaning.  Depending on what age and stage your child is at they can participate and comprehend the moving of the family abode in different ways and personality will definitely determine how they are affected as well.

For babies and toddlers as long as you are there they will probably transition the easiest.  Your smell, warmth and voice are all they need to be at home.   But from pre-school age on you may want to be more proactive and give your child time to adjust and time to let go.  For some this is the only home they have ever known and taking away the familiarity of these walls will send them into a frenzy that can alter their otherwise happy disposition into one of frustration or fear.   Try and keep your own feelings about your current home to yourself (like this kitchen is cramped, our neighbours are rude or even, I love my garden and I hate to leave it) unless you are sharing them as a way to connect with your child about their own feelings.  Let them share how they view this home,  asking them how they feel about the view from their bedroom window could open up a new way of looking at this house that you never even thought of.  Most importantly when preparing your child and even yourself for the transition of houses, towns or countries you should try and give your kids some tools to help the process and let their spiritual selves move through the change with the least amount of upheaval as possible.

One way to aide is through visualization.  A popular pagan visualization and grounding tool is the tree of life grounding exercise that many use to balance their energy before ritual.  I have adapted a version that one can use with their child to begin the letting go process.  I recommend starting this as early as possible before the moving date and going over it together once a day or so, perhaps before bedtime or at any quiet moment in the day. The comments in brackets are for helping you adapt the visualization to your child and circumstances.  Be creative and really personalize this so that your child can get the most out of it.

Unfurling the Roots of Home

Close your eyes and take a deep breath

Feel the breath go in through your nose and out through your mouth

Let your body relax with each breath and let all the stress in your body go

(continue breathing for 3 or 4 more breath cycles)

Now, imagine a cord is coming out of your tailbone

It goes all the way down to the floor and ties you to this room and this house

(name some specific places or things that the child is fond of for example, your root is around the tree you love to climb in the backyard or in the bathtub where you love to play in the water)

This is your home, your safe place.  These roots connect you to memories, good times (name some), sad times, these are coming with us when we leave this house

The memories will stay inside you ( I would also recommend taking photos or using drawing or journaling to help record memories that a child may have anxiety about leaving)

Now your cord, your root is starting to unfurl

Slowly the root is letting go of this place, the walls of your room and the stove in the kitchen where we make dinner together

Your root is leaving this home that we have loved so much

Your connection to this place is special and will stay with you

You are safe to let go of this home and soon we will put our roots down in a new place and make it special and our own too just like we did here.

After the move you may want to help your kids adjust by creating a similar visualization around putting roots down.  Start small if you’ve had a big move to a new city, state or province.   Start in the actual house and move out slowly into the community.  Give your child the space to create new roots at their own pace especially if they seem to be experiencing difficulty letting go of your previous home.

Here’s to a smooth and happy move for the whole family.

Family Values: Creativity

A family value that is high on my priority list is creativity.  It is not a traditional family value but many would argue that a pagan family is not traditional in the first place, so in my opinion it fits.

Creativity is fundamental to humanity as a whole, without it we would not have made the discoveries and advances that we have as a culture.  Pagans honour the sacredness of creation, the earth in her splendour creates on a scale that is baffling.  Volcanic eruptions spew out what will become new ground; dead trees in the forest shelter the sprouts of new seedlings that will take their place and stand tall one day.   Creation cycles throughout the seasons moving from birth to death and back again.   In terms of culture Pagans are not only called on to observe or revere creativity but also to manifest it.  Theatre, music, literature, visual art, clothing design….you would be hard pressed to find a coven or Pagan festival that does not honour the creative in some fashion.   Even those who protest that they are not artistic use creativity to manoeuvre through life.   Throwing a meal together from leftovers in the fridge, coming up with a solution to an issue at work, adding an essential oil to your cleaning water,  all come from a sense of creating something and all come from a spark within.  That spark needs to be nurtured and respected by yourself for yourself but also for your children.

Creativity and Kids

Children are born with their creative spark unhampered.  They are full of possibility and freshness.  All is new to them and so every new situation or thing calls on them to be creative in their approach.  Is this ball for chewing, squeezing or throwing?  Maybe it is for all of those things, I’ll have to try it.  Witnessing these moments is a joy to many parents as long as these explorations are not dangerous, which of course they often are.  There is a fine line that parents have to walk between keeping situations safe and not butting in.  Kids use their imaginations at a record pace and need to be nurtured in this respect.  For many adults who feel cut off from their creative spark the source of that disconnect can be found sometime in their childhood when an adult decided to belittle or control their inborn desire to create.  Part of raising a well-rounded child is to allow him or her to be the leader in play whenever possible.  If they colour outside the lines or mix the blue and yellow paint so be it.  This is a time for play, not perfection.   If the princess wants to be driving a dump truck or the cowboy wants to have a tea party who are we to hamper that desire?  It is all part of the art of discovery and a manifestation of the soul’s desire to move through ideas in freedom.  All too soon time and age will make play more realistic and force kids to “grow up.”   Allowing them to explore in childhood will help them to keep their creativity as a tool and comfort as they age.

Creativity and Parents

Out of all of the skills that I have had to grab so far in my two years of parenting creativity has been the biggest help.  If you are lucky enough to have two heads working creatively rather than one it can be an even more helpful asset.  At three o’clock in the morning when a crying baby just cannot be comforted in the dozen ways you’ve got in your arsenal a eureka moment can hit you and you figure it out, for now.  Parents are creative by necessity.  Let’s make a funny face rather than stick our finger in the electrical socket, let’s have some carrots instead of eating the Play doh, let’s make up a superhero rather than emulate the one on TV. who just jumped through a window.  If you have any desire to parent from a place of love and compassion rather than one of fear and dominion then creativity is in your corner.  Sleep deprivation and stress can have a negative effect on our ability to tap into that spark, so we must try and remember to charge our batteries now and then.  The clichéd idea of taking some “me time” is great advice but is not very practical for most parents.  I can count on one hand the “me time” I’ve had in two years, but I try and take small snippets of time to dream, read, listen to some music or connect with nature.  My connection to the earth is a constant recharge for me.  Seeing flower sprouts in the spring or the discarded shell of a bird is a great reminder that nature is in constant change and it fills me with hope.  As Pagans we are privileged to have a tradition of creative people who have come before not only creating the traditions or rituals that we may practice today but also raising children in a new way of thinking.  A way that honours the ground we walk on, hears the wind coming off the sea, tastes the water of life and marvels at the hypnotic power of fire.

The spark of creation is fragile and yet so powerful.  It can abandon us at times when we need it, but if we try and keep ourselves open to its voice and mindful of when it is manifesting in our children and ourselves it can be an infinite source of renewal and connection for our family.

Letting it Flow

I attempted to force out a Family Values article this month but in the interest of practicing what I was preaching I decided to try again next month.  The flow was not happening.

Going with the flow in parenting is a lesson that is hard to keep up with.   It is a challenge that is constantly facing us and it seems that kids move with natural rhythms with more ease than we do.   If they are tired they sleep, if they are hungry they eat.   When we try and inflict our ideas of schedules and such we can often present a conflict to the very primal emotions they feel.   But at the same time children need routine and predictability to feel secure and to blossom.   So the flow can mean letting natural rhythms coincide with routine and creating a system for your family that is not necessarily typical but fosters a healthy home life.

Parenting from this place requires us to tap into the element of Water.  Water does not think about how to move around a rock or other obstacle in its path it simply moves around it.  It adapts to situations swiftly .  I often find myself cringing when I realize that time has moved more quickly than I had anticipated in a morning and my son has moved from tired to cranky/tired and will soon have a meltdown.  Rather than worrying I would aspire to have faith that he too can adapt as he has proven to me many times.   My job is to try and avoid asking too much of him, making his water energy spin in too many circles of newness.

As parents we are expected to anticipate moods and desires but often our anticipation doesn’t necessarily have to occur, it is just one possibility in many possible outcomes.  The lesson of water is to anticipate but not hold onto the outcome rigidly.   Let yourself be pleasantly surprised at being prepared for the worst but having something not so bad happen.  Be open, be resourceful and most of all enjoy moving with a steady rhythm, like the constant beat of waves on the shoreline.  Your child will feel that fluidity and the rhythm will impart stillness and calmness to them.   And when conflicts occur as is natural and inevitable in day-to-day parenting try reciting a little chant or visualizing cool water gently flowing around you and your child, breathe and try again.

Water Chant for Flow in Parenting

Water, water move and flow

Water, water let it go

Water help calm feelings come

Water renew everyone

The Wintertime Family

The winter months can be very gloomy for us.  We contend with few hours of daylight, cold temperatures and often limited mobility due to snow and ice.  Beach frolicking is a distant memory, the piles of leaves for jumping in have been racked away and the fresh sprouts of spring are not quite stirring under their frozen blanket.  Despite the limitations of the season we crave activities to share that connect us to the quite slumber going on under our feet.  This month we’ll look at some options for sharing this time as a family in terms of activities that connect the family unit and feed our spiritual souls in the dark time of the wheel.

Winter activities tend to require more planning than in the summer months but a great way to keep the winter blues at bay is to plan out a tentative schedule for weekend/vacation activities so that the kids can anticipate them, and parents have time to make them happen.  Brainstorm with the family while you are still home for the holidays having each member include some activities that they would like to do.  Be sure to make an Outdoor and Indoor list.  Here are some examples to get you started.

Outdoors:

• winter sports such as: skating, skiing, sledding, hockey
• snow ball fights
• winter forest hikes
• winter animal search
• snow science experiments

Indoors:

• cooking & baking
• arts & crafts
• journals
• future family plans (like vacations, classes or rituals)
• reading together
• movies together
• at-home-family-spa
• family talent shows/theatre

I would recommend planning one indoor and one outdoor activity each weekend and if the weather is storming or too cold for the outdoor option you have a second option. A key to meeting the spiritual needs of your child and yourself is to let the messages of the season resonate through your home.  One of those lessons in my opinion is rest.  So while keeping the kids and yourself somewhat busy is a good way to ward off winter blues there is also a certain yearning that the body has for more rest during the dark months.  Finding the balance of rest and activity is not an easy task and may be impossible, so instead aim for a healthy home environment that tries to relieve stress rather than create it through too much scheduling.

The moon is particularly beautiful in the winter months with its light reflecting off the snow.  Even if you live in a climate that does not have snow you can still think of creating a special Esbat ritual for the family to celebrate together.  It can be as simple as taking a moonlit walk together or as elaborate as ritual garb and assigned roles but let the planning process be something that each family member contributes to and I’m sure you will make some lasting memories together.

Another key to this time of year is to try and be in the moment.  Yearning for summer or another time period is natural but living in the present keeps us connected to each other and helps us appreciate what we can do now as opposed to later.  And in closing “alone time together” should also be an option for wintertime activities.  A lazy afternoon of one parent having tea and reading, while the other is playing with a child and another child watches a favorite movie is sometimes a more peaceful and needed option than forcing an activity on some members who are not very in to it.  After all we are not looking to create a war zone in the home but a retreat.

Here’s to some fun, active and rejuvenating family memories this winter & many blessings to you and yours this Yule.

Beside the possible legal trouble, a parent who doesn’t understand our spirituality is often afraid of it and will react in a violent way when they find out we have been teaching their child about ‘witchcraft.’  It doesn’t matter what we might call our brand of spirituality, what most parents will immediately think is that ‘devil worshipers’ are indoctrinating their child!  No amount of quiet reasoning will work against their panic, and the facts have nothing to do with their perceptions.  In case you forgot: perception is reality.  The determination and ferocity of a parent who believes their child is in danger should never be underestimated.  And even if you have parental permission, you should still be aware of how your teachings might be misinterpreted by society and attract the unwanted attentions of any number of governmental groups.  This can be true even if the child you are teaching is your own!

There is a great deal of information that can be passed on to the next generation but you should be conscious of four considerations whenever you go about teaching anyone about our faith:

1. WHAT is being taught?  There is more to a myth besides a fun story, for instance.  The traditions and lore of any faith group reflect its values and perspectives as well as customs and culture.  Information about any aspect of magic or spirituality always contains a subtext that you need to explore fully before trying try to pass it on.
   
2. WHO is being taught?  Information that would be appropriate for a person who is 20 is not likely to be suitable for a youngster of 10.  A child probably won’t be interested in the complexities of western religious and political history.  Similarly, an adult isn’t likely to want to draw pictures of Isis for an hour.  And, in case you didn’t know, boys learn differently than girls.  They pick up information and use it in different ways, even if it is the same information.  It is not just a cultural prejudice; male and female brains work differently.  And, as any parent of teenagers will confirm, there sometimes isn’t any way to figure out how a pubescent child will react to anything!  Even they don’t have a clue.  There’s a good reason that the most common answer to the perennial question, “What were you thinking?” is a blank look and a mumbled, “I don’t know.” They really don’t.
   
3. HOW is it being taught?  You can teach the information about incense making by the book.  But to get down and dirty with the actual making of a particular compound, to use it for an actual purpose, or to present it to others with, “I made this,” will make the learning more powerful and meaningful by far.  Learning is more than memorizing information; it’s about making a change in the learner.
   
4. WHY is it being taught?  There must be a purpose and a plan to your teaching.  Simply to spout information is not the same as teaching.  Information needs to be related to real life as well as everything else that the student has or will encounter.  Any teacher worth their salt will transcend their own agendas and look to the needs and visions of their students.  If you teach because you think it will make you look important, you will only be seen that way by yourself.  Think back to the teachers in your life that have had the most impact on you and you will see the truth of this.

Our ideas and ways of looking at life are especially appealing to people in their late teens.  Our freedom of spirit and joy of living are much like their own youthful enthusiasm.  And, at least on the surface, our belief in magic seems to answer their wish for simple solutions to the complex problems they are becoming aware of all around them.  We will always have those who think of magic as a quick fix for all the ills in the world. They come with stars in their eyes, blinded to the fact that all true magic workers are hard workers.  Their naivety might be a source of amusement but it also makes them extremely vulnerable.  They so much want to believe there are easy ways to overcome large problems they will do almost anything to prove themselves ‘worthy’ of such fantastical powers.  Instead of allowing them to be victimized, we need to find ways of educating them about the real powers of magic.  Simply trying to burst their bubble of fantasy will not work.  They will reject our discouraging words and go looking for someone who will reinforce their dreams.  We must translate their visions into actions that allow them to find their own truths and powers.  Putting them to work on real projects, giving them an opportunity to figure out how to make something work and make a change is the greatest teacher of all.  Yes, they will make mistakes; who doesn’t?  But let’s be frank, isn’t that the way we learned?  Celebrate their successes and don’t ever be too busy to offer help.

Because we don’t have ‘all the answers’ written down, our beliefs are centered on individual experiences.  We call them ‘the mysteries’ because that best describes the role these have for us.  We ‘solve’ these mysteries by living the moment and discovering who and what we are in relation to the reality of our experiences.

Providing opportunities for the young to encounter their own mysteries needs to be tailored to the abilities of the student.  Most school systems use a three-tiered structure for teaching youngsters.  The youngest group usually covers from age six to eleven or twelve.  The next learning group is the so-called ‘tweens,’ ages twelve to fifteen.  Last, there is the sixteen to eighteen group.  There are sound reasons behind splitting up the learning in this way.  Each age group learns in different ways.

The brain functions of the youngest group are nothing like the oldest.  Though they absorb prodigious amounts of information at an astounding pace, the information is in its least complex form.  Very little associative thinking goes on in this age group.  For instance, a child in this group might easily learn the names for every town in their state but not be able to understand a map.  Complex relationships between one thing and another are difficult for them to understand.  That’s why stories for this age group are written in such black-and-white terms; heroes are all-good and villains are all-bad.  No explanation is necessary about why the kiss from a charming prince is required to awaken Sleeping Beauty, it simply does.  As any parent who has had a child go through this age knows, explaining why a certain rule is established doesn’t mean anything to these kids.  That’s why, “Because I said so,” really is the best explanation in many cases.  Teaching this group about Paganism requires information that is not subtle:  Pan is the god of wild things… period.  The more you explain, in some cases, the less they will understand.

The middle group, the ‘tweens,’  is in the transitional stage from one method of learning to the other.  Their comfort zone in learning is still back with the black and white, childhood model.  But their world is steadily growing and they’re becoming more independent every day.  Relationships are now more apparent and reasons are becoming necessary to explain them.  This is the age of reason for these people so what is taught to them needs to be accompanied with more in-depth information.  Motivations behind actions and beliefs begin to play an increasingly important role in their understanding and they will question boundaries and limitations more.  Because their bodies are going through an accelerated growth time, they will often physically test themselves against many of these limitations and dare the universe to slap them down.

The oldest group is making its entrance into adulthood and the methods by which they learn are pretty much the same for the rest of their life.  Associative or relational thinking has become more comfortable and its value to the student has been steadily growing for several years by now.  From here on, the student will question relative value structures, relying less on quantitative and more on qualitative information.  Though their decision-making abilities are relatively immature, they nevertheless feel the need for independence and freedom to act.  Lessons must relate to this urge or the importance of the information will not be perceived.  Now, not only does the information about Pan being a god of wild things become a part of their overall consideration, but background information that makes Pan a more interesting and complete god-form must accompany it.

Our rituals allow the primary school child to enjoy the fantasy and wonder of our beliefs.  For the middle school aged, they also teach something about the complexities of those beliefs.  For the young adults, the fullness of meaning is a feast for their minds and hearts.  It is the same demarcation as the teaching levels.

Teaching about our beliefs is quite different from exercising them on circle.  Nothing we do, with the exception of where we meet and with whom, is a secret.  When you teach others about our beliefs, our lore and practices, you should be mindful of how your words will be interpreted.  Your students or audience need to understand what is meant, not just hear the words.  For instance, “to make a spell,” will undoubtedly be interpreted as some sort of supernatural hocus-pocus by any who are not aware of the processes involved.  Far better you should forego the term and explain the process.  Then you can tell them that that process is called spell craft.  The same goes for many other words and phrases we commonly use in Paganism.  All specialized knowledge has its jargon and we aren’t any exception.  Educating others requires us to explain things without the confusion of language that can be easily misinterpreted.

Teaching others is also a way of learning.  Every teacher is a student and every student is a teacher.  The Pagan faiths have grown and will continue to grow because its people have had the courage to teach and train others.  It is one way we can help our faith group become better, both because we will refine our own knowledge and because we will gain new perspectives with each person who comes to us.  We must take this challenge seriously and never allow charlatans or abusers to rule over people whom the gods have sent our way.