Jennie Johnston September, 2010

Competitive Pagan = Competitive Parent?

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about competitive people, especially when it comes to parenting and paganism.  Whether in your coven, circle or class we are faced with competitive people in our spiritual domain as well as the domestic/mundane one.

Not being very competitive for the most part I’ve found that being a parent has brought out that shred of doubt in me.   When I encounter another child at the playground that can already tie his shoes and my child of the same age hasn’t even attempted to try yet, there is a little pang for me.  A slight, oh, man should I be teaching my kid this?  Are they going to be lagging behind for not being able to do this already?  Wise ones have said to me in these times of doubt: Can the other child do this yet, like your child?  And usually the answer is, no.  That way of putting things into perspective has been invaluable to me.  No child is perfect, no child is better than another.  They all have their own time and place to learn and we must simply be there to help and guide them.

In the pagan arena I’ve felt little of the same pangs of competition.  I don’t mind if you’ve reached your 3^rd degree faster, dried lavender and written a chant this week and I haven’t even managed to have a morning meditation.  The spiritual journey is specific to the individual to me.  I’m not trying to be pagan of the year.  I just want to be true to my path.  A little competition isn’t always a bad thing though.  Reading about what other witches are trying these days, seeing examples of artwork dedicated to their gods, altars created for a season or books read for self exploration are inspirational.  A pang of hey, why aren’t I doing that, is good for you.  It is motivating and helps to keep your desires for your own path on track.

An extreme can develop in some people regarding parenting, paganism or anything really that is alarming to me.  Motives become only about competition and not about your child’s journey or your own.  You start to do things because the mother you most admire at your family coven does them like that.  You feel the need to be better, more pagan, more like a super mom than a real mom.  Because let’s face it no one is capable of being everything at one time.  Often we project ideals on to those we admire and think that they are accomplishing more than us.  Deep down though they probably have similar feelings of incompetence and are pushing themselves too hard, trying to be too much.

My philosophy of parenting and being a pagan is about honouring where I am in the moment and trying to accept what I can do.  My priority at this point is being a parent.  It is my full time job.  My spiritual life is secondary and I have accepted that for now.  Young children require energy and time.  I’m not capable of taking a class with a pagan leader or dedicating myself to a tradition.  I could try and do this but something would lag.  Something would fall through the cracks and my son is too important for me to risk.

The moral to this story is that support and sharing of our doubts is an important step towards keeping competition out of our spiritual practice and our parenting.  I won’t judge you for not having time to bring a snack for after the ritual, if you won’t judge my daughter for not knowing her ABC’s yet.  Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s live in a community that embraces each individual’s journey to self.  That way we can leave the competitive feelings where they belong, in the boardroom or on the sports field.

Tags: kids, parenting

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Jennie Johnston August, 2010

What Parents Can Learn From Angelina Jolie

I stumbled across this article recently and I must admit that I was very encouraged by the comments Angelina Jolie made about her daughter Shiloh’s choice of clothing.

Apparently Shiloh prefers to dress “like a boy” and that has media critics blasting a 4 year old and calling her a transsexual.  While it is beyond shameful to take jabs at a child in such a manner no matter who her parents are I think that Jolie handled the situation with honesty and integrity:

“Children should be allowed to express themselves in whatever way they wish without anybody judging them because it is an important part of their growth. Society always has something to learn when it comes to the way we judge each other, label each other. We have far to go.”

As parents we too often let our child’s behaviour reflect back our own insecurities.     If Jolie was insecure she may have seen Shiloh’s behaviour as reflecting badly on her parenting skills or on her own sexuality.  Instead she makes the choice to see that it is not about her but about self expression and the magic of childhood.

As pagan parents we tend to encourage “dress up” and mystical play.  Children are naturally drawn to worlds of fantasy and if they say “I’m a dragon” or “I’m the fairy of spring,” wouldn’t we encourage that and be delighted?  I have a sneaking suspicion though, that when it comes to our child crossing gender boundaries many of us may start to get a little uncomfortable.  What will the neighbours think?  He will be judged by other children, so for his own good I’ll make him dress masculine.  All girls want to wear pretty dresses and play tea party, what’s wrong with my child?  Our own embarrassment starts to take over our actions and we let society’s silly rules of sugar and spice or puppy dog’s tails influence our parenting.  Instead of unconditional love and space to explore themselves children learn to tow the line, not ruffle feathers and suppress their inner creativity.   That doesn’t sound like a very pagan way of growing up to me.

I realize that it is not as simple as the last paragraph makes it out to be.  There are people out there who are so afraid of gender bending that they become violent.  Our first instinct is to protect our child from harm, so our perception of how others may judge them is an important tool that we need to keep our kid safe.   If you have concerns that your child may be judged or harmed that is something that you need to work through with them.  When they are young you can perhaps encourage them to dress in their special outfits only at home or in a predetermined safe place.  As they grow older you may find that it was a phase that they leave behind them or you may encounter a more serious need within them.  If you do encounter this need I encourage being open minded.  This is your child; they are still whole and wonderful.  There are resources out there for parents to use for support if your child is transgender or confused about their sex.

Within our traditions there are many interpretations of masculine and feminine energies.  Some choose to see the traits in a more black and white sense because it makes them feel safe and ordered.  In my world view though there is a lot of grey area.  We all have male and female traits, energies and tendencies.  When we are children those traits are much less rigid because we have less conditioning.  I do not encourage my son to be masculine or feminine those tendencies are just there for him to act on as he comes across them.

Angelina Jolie is taking the same approach with her daughter Shiloh.  She doesn’t want to judge her daughter and so she is being open to Shiloh’s desires and guiding her towards finding her true self.

Please search out help if you or someone you love is dealing with gender difficulties.  Silence, shame and secrets are not the way to help your child or your family process these complex issues.

The pagan community seems to me to be a perfect example of an arena for openness regarding sexuality and gender.  Being open minded and non-judgemental goes way beyond religion in this day and age and as a burgeoning community we are poised to lead the way towards a healthy relationship with our sexual identities.

TransActive: Supporting children & youth of all genders

Transgender Family Resources

Gender: Gender Roles and Stereotypes

Tags: children, gender, kids, parenting

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Jennie Johnston May, 2010

Family Values: Food

If there is one thing that attending festivals, gatherings, rituals whether private or public has taught me about the Pagan community is that: we LOVE food.   We strive to worship this earth, and consume the wonderful bounty that it graces us with.   Nurturing your child’s relationship to food is pivotal in their development.   Food weaves through almost every part of our lives our social relations, our relationship with the earth and our relationship and feelings towards our heath and body.   Eating together whether in ritual or family settings can be so rewarding and fulfilling.   It should be a high priority for every family since we have to eat in order to live and it usually happens at least three times a day.  Our culture has made eating, cooking and growing food into something that needs to be fast and convenient but as Pagans we celebrate with food, we try and be reverent of food, so should we promote this culture of frozen dinners, microwaves and drive-through consumption or should we strive to move in rhythm with the earth, eating seasonally and having a relationship with what we choose to put in our bodies?

Children emulate what they see not what they are told.  So if we tell them the earth is sacred and that the fall bounty is a gift to us and then leave them rarely seeing, let alone consuming a vegetable in its “from the ground state”  what sort of values do you think they’ll develop regarding food?  I would guess that they’d pick a burger and fries over a garden salad and chicken breast any day.  Most children go through a picky eater stage and we can indulge that with letting them only eat jello and drink soda or we can set an example and present them with ways to change their feelings, ideas and interaction with food so that they move past the picky stage with healthy and grounded eating habits.  Below you’ll find ideas for helping your kids (and yourselves) have a positive and reverent attitude towards what you eat.  I’ve included links and hope that you will challenge yourself to make this value one that is fundamental to your family’s present and future.  Don’t worry if you have hiccups or days when the family indulges in some bad habits, no one is perfect and it is hard to completely remove habits that have developed around food.  Just take small steps, introduce different foods slowly and keep trying even if there is resistance.  Habits take a while to break and the more relaxed but dedicated you are the more likely the positive results will start happening.

Grow Your Food

Whether you have a big backyard or a city balcony; grow something with your kids.  Herbs, strawberries, green beans, they are more likely to eat it if they’ve invested time and energy into planting a seed, watering it and watching it grow.

Purchase food at Farmer’s Markets

Besides having a fantastic family atmosphere farmer’s markets allow your child to meet the people growing their food.  This can open up discussions about country living versus city living, taking care of animals and plants, seasonal changes in the earth and it is also a wonderful place to meet your neighbours and participate in the community at large.

Visit Local Farms

Many farms offer a u-pick option which is often not only more economical but a great way to experience your food.  Your child sees the fields, the farmer, the plant in its living state and then gets to pull, pick and harvest the food that you will later eat.

Get Kids Cooking

The whole family should cook together when possible.  Learning to cook is an indispensable skill for your kids it will greatly affect how they think about and interact with their food.  They can set the table, fill the water jug, just get them involved in the process somehow and as they get older they can help more and more.  It is even a good idea to have them help with meal planning so that they see what is involved in the process.

Can & Preserve Foods Together

Another fun activity is to make jams, pickles, or tomato sauce together.  This can be time consuming but you can always make it a more community minded project pooling time and resources with other families.  Your kids will taste the difference in a sauce they made during the summer months and they can feel proud of their part in making food for the family to enjoy together.

Eat as Many Meals Together as Possible

The statistics prove that it makes kids happier and healthier.  And you can really enjoy each other as well as the meal you’ve created together.  Perhaps some activities need to be sacrificed to make it happen but making this a priority in your family will benefit everyone.

Bless the Food and remember its Magic

Taking a moment before you eat to honour the cycle that brought the food to your table will give your children a sense of gratefulness and reverence for the process they participated in.

During your celebrations this spring and summer and throughout the wheel of the year may you and yours eat well, feel well and honour the earth with your choices about food.  I’ve included a few more resources that you and your family may find helpful in making the myriad of decisions around what to consume, how to consume it, and where to find what you are looking for.

Food Inc. the documentary film

Deconstructing Dinner – Food podcast

Tags: children, food, kids, parenting

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Jennie Johnston January, 2010

Tags: children, kids, parenting

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Jennie Johnston December, 2009

Tags: children, family, kids, parenting, winter

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Jennie Johnston October, 2009

Thoughts on the Village in Paganism

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child…. this proverb, saying, cliché is often bandied about in society.  While the origins of the saying are debatable, the meaning behind the term is one that I have always thought to be important.  As parents and as pagans how does this philosophy apply to our lives?  And do we practice it or should we even practice it?

As humans evolved we lived in groups to ensure survival.  Our societal structure was vastly different from how it is today.  We hunted, gathered, ate together, lived together.  Our living was done in units.  The women and men probably broke off into groups at times to accomplish various goals.  The women and children worked together during the days.  This type of living arraignment lent itself to the concept of the village raising the children.  Parents we primary but care was most likely derived from the most available adult or older child.  The group watched out for everyone.  Exactly how the tribe disciplined or raised the children and what values were instilled is not something we can know for sure but the communal aspect was no doubt the means of survival.  To be alone as a single nuclear family was unheard of.

In my mind I tend to idealize this method of living.  It seems so reassuring to think of being around many women in various life stages.  Tanning hides, drying fish, sewing clothing.  Children are running around, all being watched, observed, and cared for.  Some are still nursing, some are entering puberty, some are about to join the men and come of age.  These children would experience adult interaction very differently from our own.   And there is no doubt that the biological parents of the children would view their kids differently from how we see ours today.

Fast forward millions of years and here we are, living in our separate dwellings, supporting ourselves with one or two parents working.  How can we apply the concept of children being raised by the village into our lives as pagans?  Many facets of our community divide the ones with children and the ones without into separate categories.  People without children, whether by choice or by circumstance can be reluctant to be around kids.  Kids can be loud, disruptive and distracting.   Pagans with children often expect their kids to be included in every event, can let them run amuck and not admit that their child is the one in the wrong.  And so we have two warring factions, both accusatory, neither thinking communally with a village mindset.  After all there was never a village that only contained the childless or only had parents.  Everyone lived together.   Despite the fact that our communities are not looking at communal living as the norm for every day and we experience community in small doses at festivals, rituals, etc. we still can not seem to be respectful at many events.  We need to rethink our mindsets.  We need to remember in our bones what it was to be a tribe.

“Children need the attention and encouragement of many adults, not just their parents.  Adults who may not have children of their own still need to feel connected to the next generation.” pp. 284, Circle Round: Raising Children in Goddess Traditions

Most parents will say that they don’t want another person disciplining their child.  We feel the need to control the guidance that our children receive.  Of course it is our job to protect them and keep them from abuse or harmful people.  But does it hurt our children to learn to interact with others and hear their means of communicating lessons?  Most parents put our kids into school or classes where teachers will be given the authority to enforce discipline.  Is that different from a family friend or coven member giving your child guidance when they may be acting inappropriately?  A perfect stranger may even offer words that are appropriate to a situation.

This summer while at the beach my toddler was playing in the sectioned off area for young children.  Some older boys, the youngest being at least 10, were throwing handfuls of sand at each other and having a blast.  The younger preschoolers were of course getting in their way and I worried that one could be knocked over or hit with sand.  I looked around trying to place parents to these boys but no one seemed to be watching them, so I made a judgment call.  Politely but firmly I asked the boys to move their game to another section of the beach that was away from the little kids.  At first they thought that I wanted them to stop altogether and they seemed taken aback.  But I explained to them that they could move to another area that was away from the little ones.  They saw the logic and moved over.  There was no disrespect involved and they were obviously very thoughtful boys.  I would consider that act one of parenting in the village style, respecting the game that the older boys were enjoying, while protecting the smaller kids who could not protect themselves.

“Because Pagan communities are generally small and far flung, support and congregation has been minimal…but as more of us have children, and especially as children almost dominate the population at many pagan events it is time to reorder our priorities as though we actually were a clan, a tradition, and a cohesive culture, if that’s what we think we are or would like to be.” pp. 283, Circle Round: Raising Children in Goddess Traditions

If we prefer the nuclear family model as it is today across North America and many parts of Western society then we need not take much about “it takes a village…” seriously.   We can go about our lives, raising our children in slight isolation from a larger community of similar minds.  Or we can strive to build a community of many layers that offers the youngest and most impressionable members of society a place where multiple adults are considered their guides.  The primary role of guardian will always be with the parents, but we can offer children a glory of knowledge by letting others, who we trust and sometimes who just happen to be there in the moment, teach them about how it is to be human and what it means to live as a clan.

As always you can reach me at stonegirl1177 AT yahoo DOT ca with comments or questions.  Or you can visit my blog at http://chasingdomesticbliss.blogspot.com

Tags: childrent, kids, parenting

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Blacksun September, 2009

Tags: 18, children, kids, learning, religion, teaching, teens

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Jennie Johnston September, 2009

Experiencing the Elements at the Playground

I am pleased to be a new member of the PaganPages family.  Welcome to Pagan Parenting Every Day.  Each month we will be exploring topics that relate to every day parenting with a pagan spin.  As a new parent looking for articles that relay parenting topics through a pagan perspective I find a lack.  I hope to address this gap and bring ideas to the table for discussion, learning and pondering.

Before we get to this month’s topic I’d like to say that the views presented here are based on one pagan parent’s perspective.  I am not trying to advocate a “pagan way” to parent, as I believe that as each child is different, so is each parent and each pagan in tern.  Rather, I am hoping to create a dialogue for parents and offer up some parenting styles, tips, methods, activities and issues.  The wide world of parenting is often daunting and a sense of support in our community can be a blessing to us all.  I also welcome questions, comments and suggestions for future topics.  You can contact me at stonegirl1177 AT yahoo DOT ca.  And now onto our topic for this month: Experiencing the Elements at the Playground.

As North American society has moved away from predominately dwelling on farmsteads and into urban lifestyles city parks have become a nature refuge.  As pagans many of us think that getting into nature, meaning out of the city and into a National park, camping, etc. is the only way to experience the elements.  But other than our 2 or 3 weeks a year of vacations, or our weekend day trips how can we bring the lessons and just plain fun of the elements into our children’s lives?  Some urban dwellers have backyards where they can explore the elements with their kids but if you don’t, or even if you do and you are looking for a change try taking a walk to your local playground.  The power and wonder of the elements are right there waiting for you and your family to appreciate them.

AIR

Swings and slides are perfect tools for really experiencing air.  Pumping your legs, you move faster and faster.  The air is all around you, blowing your hair and for kids who have a hard time understanding what they can’t see or feel in the moment this movement helps air, the invisible element become tangible.  Not to mention swinging is fun.  For toddlers and babies this aspect of motion is as far as you’ll need to take the activity.  Although you can repeat “Wind!” with glee in your voice to let them associate the sensations they are having with air.  For older children you can talk about the sensations they feel and mention some air correspondences like communication and the intellect.

FIRE

Fire is not an element you openly see at parks.  It is not something you really want to encourage either.  But the big ball of fire in the sky can be your children’s plaything in its own way.  Shadow play is very entertaining.  Running and playing shadow tag, seeing the interesting shapes that you can make and for older kids you can talk about the length of your shadow and how that corresponds to the different time of day as the sun moves from east to west.  If it is a particularly warm day you can also teach even toddlers about the wonder of shade cast by trees or a nearby building.  You can move from the sun to the shade and experience the sensations of fire through the intense heat of the sun.

WATER

Water parks with their spraying are of course great to experience on hot summer days and a very fun way to play with water.  If you are out after a rain puddles can hold a wonderland of enjoyment for kids of all ages.  If your playground has a drinking fountain that is a great way to start a dialogue about the precious nature of water.  Even if your local playground has no water available for play or drinking you can bring some in a thermos or water bottle.  As children play they inevitably get thirsty, as they break for a drink they can think about how the body is mostly water and why they need to replenish their supply after they exert themselves.  Perhaps they can carry their own water bottle and this can be a great lesson in understanding the precious nature of water as a resource.

EARTH

Sand boxes, pebbles, grass, wood chips, there can be many surfaces at the playground that are earthy.  Sand boxes are endless in possibilities for play: mud pies, drawing in the sand with sticks, shoveling, sand castles, and just getting dirty are all great ways to interact with mother earth.  Rolling down grassy hillsides, climbing trees, the reassuring thud of the earth beneath on a see-saw, share earth’s rhythms with your child and you can also chant if the mood strikes.  If your neighborhood playground is on concrete there is usually some crack somewhere with plants pushing up through it.  What a powerful lesson to learn about, how even a substance as strong as concrete can be severed by the earth and strong plants will reclaim the space if left to their own devices.

Regardless of time constraints and nature access you can have family adventures with the elements in urban settings.  All it takes is some imagination and a desire to be in the moment.  A healthy dose of spirit can make our neighborhood sacred regardless of how much vegetation is around us.  We are nature; nature is with us in each moment, just waiting for us to notice.

Tags: air, child, children, earth, elements, fire, kids, Pagan, parents, water

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Lynn OBrien August, 2009

How Do We Know We’ve Done Good?

How do we know when, as a parent, we’ve made a positive difference with our kids? Some parents measure it by what grades they get in school…others do it by measuring their kids against the way they were at that age. I know I’m doing a good job, at least most of the time, when my daughter does something so unselfish and positive, that not only is she changing her own life, but that of someone else.

Yesterday was our local area’s Relay For Life event, our third year participating as a team, her third year walking. Now, please understand my oldest daughter is almost 9 years old, and is a typical kid when it comes to how she views herself socially. But my daughter is in no way vain, and her good deed on Saturday proves it.

When we arrived at the event site at 8am yesterday morning, we were looking forward to doing some walking, fundraising, seeing wonderful entertainment…all in all having a great time for a great cause.

4pm rolls around and she surprises me by saying she wanted a haircut. Okay, one of our local teams had a booth set up where you could donate some money to get a basic haircut. But, if you had 10 inches or more of virgin (never dyed or chemically treated) hair, they would send that in to be made into a wig for a cancer patient. The American Cancer Society has teamed up with Pantene to sponsor this event at Relays nationwide.

The first person to get their hair donated was a salsa dancer that was there at the Relay, who had just gotten done dancing. His hair (yes, a man) reached at least to his waist. Long, thick, black hair…luxurious and he cut it off to his shoulders and donated it.

The next person to donate their hair was my sweet, giving humanitarian of a daughter, Kati. She walked right up and told them that if she had at least 10 inches from her shoulders down, she wanted to donate her hair. The ladies and guys standing by the tent stopped and grew quiet, as my brave child looked up with eyes of pure determination and commitment to her cause….she wanted to change someone’s life. What she didn’t know was that she changed everyone’s lives that day.

The people who were around the tent watched in utter amazement and admiration as the hair dresser brushed and measured her hair. After asking if this was what she really wanted, they put her hair in a ponytail and lopped it off.

The ponytail that had once been attached to her head was now in the hands of the lady and her eyes, as well as many of the onlookers, were wet with tears as my daughter made a most beautiful sacrifice. You see, my child became the most beautiful person I know on Saturday. The style of the cut isn’t what matters, but the true beauty that shines from her heart and soul.

After her show of love and giving for someone she might never know, everyone at that Relay worked harder, and had more fun, and raised more money. It was cold, windy and many were getting tired. But what her gift did was give the Relayers and supporters the drive and determination we needed to last 24 hours or more, to raise money that could one day save the life of someone we love, or maybe save ourselves.

My daughter is my hero.

Tags: child, children, kids, parenting, parents

• Children and Parenting

Patrick McCleary March, 2009

Spring is nearly here, the cold weather is beginning to wane and the showers of Spring will soon begin to fall. A short time after all that the plants will begin to bloom and the trees to turn green again. The animals will awaken and go out to forage and look for new food to fill their bellies empty from a long winter hibernating.

For me and my family this month has also been a time of rest and renewal. With nearly two months between Sabbats, we can take a break and turn our focus onto resting and preparing for the work of the coming season.

Soon we will be planting our garden and we will take this opportunity to teach our children about the importance of hard work, perseverance and patience.

Hard work because planting and digging is not always easy to do. Although my youngest seems to enjoy it. I think it is the playing in the dirt thing.

Perseverance because they have to take it on faith that the work that they are doing now will show rewards in the coming months. Plus, here in Florida, the heat comes early so they get hot quick and tend to want to quit almost as soon as they started.

The final lesson is patience. There is a process to gardening. From preparing the soil and planting the seeds. To the waiting for sprouting and then the cutting back. My children want to do it all right away and at the same time. So I have to hold them back and make them wait for the right time. They get tired of hearing the words, ‘Seeds don’t sprout overnight’.

These lessons are important and are sorely lacking from the rest of the world. We rush and rush in our society. We want it all and we want it yesterday. If we were a little more hardworking and patience and stuck it out to the end, than we would all be better off.

This is also the season of burgeoning fertility. We celebrate, like so many others, by painting eggs. In our Family Coven’s tradition this small act is an act of magick that will aid the Goddess and God in their bringing back the warmth and growth of the Spring. I also tell my kids that Coyote, the trickster steals the eggs and hides them. And so the egg hunt begins.

Of course the hunt also helps to spread the magick around. So my children learn from this that even though things may not always go according to plan and that bad things happen, that in the end they will work out for the best.

So as we go forward from here into Spring and the warmer weather comes take some time to go outside with your children and watch the world begin to waken from their long Winter slumber. Here in Florida one of the most common animals we see are cows with horses being a close second, and I know that in the next few months I will be able to point out the foals and calfs to my children.

And maybe you can pass on some of these lessons of Spring to your kids as well.

Tags: children, eggs, kids, Ostara, spring

• Children and Parenting