Jennie Johnston March, 2010

Tags: children, parenting

• Articles

Jennie Johnston February, 2010

Tags: children, parenting

• Articles

Jennie Johnston January, 2010

Tags: children, kids, parenting

• Articles

Jennie Johnston December, 2009

Tags: children, family, kids, parenting, winter

• Articles

Jennie Johnston October, 2009

Thoughts on the Village in Paganism

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child…. this proverb, saying, cliché is often bandied about in society.  While the origins of the saying are debatable, the meaning behind the term is one that I have always thought to be important.  As parents and as pagans how does this philosophy apply to our lives?  And do we practice it or should we even practice it?

As humans evolved we lived in groups to ensure survival.  Our societal structure was vastly different from how it is today.  We hunted, gathered, ate together, lived together.  Our living was done in units.  The women and men probably broke off into groups at times to accomplish various goals.  The women and children worked together during the days.  This type of living arraignment lent itself to the concept of the village raising the children.  Parents we primary but care was most likely derived from the most available adult or older child.  The group watched out for everyone.  Exactly how the tribe disciplined or raised the children and what values were instilled is not something we can know for sure but the communal aspect was no doubt the means of survival.  To be alone as a single nuclear family was unheard of.

In my mind I tend to idealize this method of living.  It seems so reassuring to think of being around many women in various life stages.  Tanning hides, drying fish, sewing clothing.  Children are running around, all being watched, observed, and cared for.  Some are still nursing, some are entering puberty, some are about to join the men and come of age.  These children would experience adult interaction very differently from our own.   And there is no doubt that the biological parents of the children would view their kids differently from how we see ours today.

Fast forward millions of years and here we are, living in our separate dwellings, supporting ourselves with one or two parents working.  How can we apply the concept of children being raised by the village into our lives as pagans?  Many facets of our community divide the ones with children and the ones without into separate categories.  People without children, whether by choice or by circumstance can be reluctant to be around kids.  Kids can be loud, disruptive and distracting.   Pagans with children often expect their kids to be included in every event, can let them run amuck and not admit that their child is the one in the wrong.  And so we have two warring factions, both accusatory, neither thinking communally with a village mindset.  After all there was never a village that only contained the childless or only had parents.  Everyone lived together.   Despite the fact that our communities are not looking at communal living as the norm for every day and we experience community in small doses at festivals, rituals, etc. we still can not seem to be respectful at many events.  We need to rethink our mindsets.  We need to remember in our bones what it was to be a tribe.

“Children need the attention and encouragement of many adults, not just their parents.  Adults who may not have children of their own still need to feel connected to the next generation.” pp. 284, Circle Round: Raising Children in Goddess Traditions

Most parents will say that they don’t want another person disciplining their child.  We feel the need to control the guidance that our children receive.  Of course it is our job to protect them and keep them from abuse or harmful people.  But does it hurt our children to learn to interact with others and hear their means of communicating lessons?  Most parents put our kids into school or classes where teachers will be given the authority to enforce discipline.  Is that different from a family friend or coven member giving your child guidance when they may be acting inappropriately?  A perfect stranger may even offer words that are appropriate to a situation.

This summer while at the beach my toddler was playing in the sectioned off area for young children.  Some older boys, the youngest being at least 10, were throwing handfuls of sand at each other and having a blast.  The younger preschoolers were of course getting in their way and I worried that one could be knocked over or hit with sand.  I looked around trying to place parents to these boys but no one seemed to be watching them, so I made a judgment call.  Politely but firmly I asked the boys to move their game to another section of the beach that was away from the little kids.  At first they thought that I wanted them to stop altogether and they seemed taken aback.  But I explained to them that they could move to another area that was away from the little ones.  They saw the logic and moved over.  There was no disrespect involved and they were obviously very thoughtful boys.  I would consider that act one of parenting in the village style, respecting the game that the older boys were enjoying, while protecting the smaller kids who could not protect themselves.

“Because Pagan communities are generally small and far flung, support and congregation has been minimal…but as more of us have children, and especially as children almost dominate the population at many pagan events it is time to reorder our priorities as though we actually were a clan, a tradition, and a cohesive culture, if that’s what we think we are or would like to be.” pp. 283, Circle Round: Raising Children in Goddess Traditions

If we prefer the nuclear family model as it is today across North America and many parts of Western society then we need not take much about “it takes a village…” seriously.   We can go about our lives, raising our children in slight isolation from a larger community of similar minds.  Or we can strive to build a community of many layers that offers the youngest and most impressionable members of society a place where multiple adults are considered their guides.  The primary role of guardian will always be with the parents, but we can offer children a glory of knowledge by letting others, who we trust and sometimes who just happen to be there in the moment, teach them about how it is to be human and what it means to live as a clan.

As always you can reach me at stonegirl1177 AT yahoo DOT ca with comments or questions.  Or you can visit my blog at http://chasingdomesticbliss.blogspot.com

Tags: childrent, kids, parenting

• Articles

Lynn OBrien August, 2009

How Do We Know We’ve Done Good?

How do we know when, as a parent, we’ve made a positive difference with our kids? Some parents measure it by what grades they get in school…others do it by measuring their kids against the way they were at that age. I know I’m doing a good job, at least most of the time, when my daughter does something so unselfish and positive, that not only is she changing her own life, but that of someone else.

Yesterday was our local area’s Relay For Life event, our third year participating as a team, her third year walking. Now, please understand my oldest daughter is almost 9 years old, and is a typical kid when it comes to how she views herself socially. But my daughter is in no way vain, and her good deed on Saturday proves it.

When we arrived at the event site at 8am yesterday morning, we were looking forward to doing some walking, fundraising, seeing wonderful entertainment…all in all having a great time for a great cause.

4pm rolls around and she surprises me by saying she wanted a haircut. Okay, one of our local teams had a booth set up where you could donate some money to get a basic haircut. But, if you had 10 inches or more of virgin (never dyed or chemically treated) hair, they would send that in to be made into a wig for a cancer patient. The American Cancer Society has teamed up with Pantene to sponsor this event at Relays nationwide.

The first person to get their hair donated was a salsa dancer that was there at the Relay, who had just gotten done dancing. His hair (yes, a man) reached at least to his waist. Long, thick, black hair…luxurious and he cut it off to his shoulders and donated it.

The next person to donate their hair was my sweet, giving humanitarian of a daughter, Kati. She walked right up and told them that if she had at least 10 inches from her shoulders down, she wanted to donate her hair. The ladies and guys standing by the tent stopped and grew quiet, as my brave child looked up with eyes of pure determination and commitment to her cause….she wanted to change someone’s life. What she didn’t know was that she changed everyone’s lives that day.

The people who were around the tent watched in utter amazement and admiration as the hair dresser brushed and measured her hair. After asking if this was what she really wanted, they put her hair in a ponytail and lopped it off.

The ponytail that had once been attached to her head was now in the hands of the lady and her eyes, as well as many of the onlookers, were wet with tears as my daughter made a most beautiful sacrifice. You see, my child became the most beautiful person I know on Saturday. The style of the cut isn’t what matters, but the true beauty that shines from her heart and soul.

After her show of love and giving for someone she might never know, everyone at that Relay worked harder, and had more fun, and raised more money. It was cold, windy and many were getting tired. But what her gift did was give the Relayers and supporters the drive and determination we needed to last 24 hours or more, to raise money that could one day save the life of someone we love, or maybe save ourselves.

My daughter is my hero.

Tags: child, children, kids, parenting, parents

• Children and Parenting

Patrick McCleary April, 2009

I have met so many young men struggling with how to be a good father. They have the potential to be both great people and great fathers. But for whatever reason they are struggling to find their way. Whether they come from broken homes with deadbeat dads, or just dads that didn’t know how to be great fathers or for any other reasons it is not their fault.

All that they needed was a guide.

Yet who am I to offer advice on this topic? I am a father of two beautiful young girls, one seven and the other three. I am also divorced once and am now engaged to a wonderful, supportive, and beautiful woman.

So since I have been a father for seven years and have worked through the trials and tribulations of raising children; Worked hard to establish traditions rooted in love and not in duty, hopefully I am somewhat qualified to comment and offer my advice on one of the ways to be not just a dad but a great dad who happens to be Pagan.

So what exactly is it that separates a Dad from a Great Father?

Almost any man can be a dad, all that is involved in that is enough sex to make a woman pregnant and then the child being carried to term and being born and voila the male becomes a dad. But a father, much less a great father, is involved in that child or children’s personal life in an overwhelmingly positive manner.

Yet so many men today are either afraid or don’t know how to be whole and complete men. A man must be strong but merciful, stern but fair. No longer is it acceptable for men to be hard-asses nor should it be acceptable for men to be complete pansies and pushovers.

But a strong willed man is often times feared, crucified and turned into a pariah by the women around him. And so it is often times for fathers that want the best for and out of their kids.

I set my standards high for my children, hoping that they can reach that level but being comfortable with them in the meantime only reaching a half or even a quarter of this goal, as long as they continue to strive for excellence. And I am often told that I am to hard and that kids need to be kids.

Yet I feel that I give them room to play and express themselves but I insist that they must learn manners and how they are expected to act while in a public place.

A lot of these comments are the result of the perception of Fathers and Men in today’s culture. This perception is exceedingly negative. We are ridiculed as stupid and bumbling. The brunt of women’s jokes. Yet at the same time a male is a predator. He is a nasty, vicious, hateful bigot/racist/rapist/fill in the blank. I guess the only ones who are not killing people are the ones to stupid to operate a gun or knife.

I have seen in my own life a man who is strong willed and confident in himself be lambasted by the women around him, even complete strangers. I have seen him called sexist, macho (since when was that a bad term?), and egotistical, among many other things.

Why is it that a strong willed man is perceived as a threat?

There are bad men among us but I believe that the large portion of the problems facing us from deranged males is caused by their upbringing.

If you tell a child that he is not needed by the opposite sex and in the next breath tell him that he should stop acting like a girl, what is he supposed to think and feel?

If he steps out of line then you medicate him, instead of training and helping him to work through his feelings, therefore emotionally castrating him. Unable to express more than a very limited range of emotions.

On the worst case he is violent and angry, on the best case he is a sobbing emotional wreck, quick to cry at every bad turn in his life. This emotional wreck is the one that stays home with Mom until he is forty, he is the one that one day because he can’t afford his meds and can’t control himself without them, snaps and kills a school full of people.

And yes they make that choice but if you treat a child like a helpless baby and coddle him (or her) their entire life and are always there to solve their problems for them, then by definition they are codependent and unable to solve their own problems.

It is our roles as Fathers and Men to recognize this baggage in ourselves, and through faith in the Goddess and God (or whatever it is that you believe in), and through support groups if necessary, to overcome this programming, to be independent and able to make our own decisions.

I used to be one of these men, quick to anger and quick to cry unable to face my problems, unable, in many cases, to even express how I felt. This cost me my first marriage but now that I have learned how to express myself with words and not through anger it has enabled me to have a serious long term relationship that is strong and continues to grow. And when we overcome our childhood training then we must teach this independence and freedom to our sons and to any and all of our friends that our ready to listen.

Now don’t think that I am going to leave out the daughters of the world. We as fathers and men have a responsibility there also. They learn from us how they are supposed to be treated in their future (or current) relationships.

We must teach them independence and not that they don’t need men (as is often the message to little girls) but that they don’t need anything or anyone in their lives that is unhealthy for them. They can have men in their lives and have deep relationships without fear as long as they seek those relationships with men that have grown up and have become true men.

So to sum up what I have said about fatherhood; A father helps to establish traditions that bring the family together and helps to hold them together. He teaches them right from wrong, teaches morality, strength and love.

He is there to love and teach love. He hopefully is able to bring light into their lives and to show them that they can bring light to others through kindness. And he is also supposed to give them a basic roadmap and a how-to (if you will) of their spirituality. Not to define their faith, but to give them tools so that when they get older they can find their own faith.

So what other types of males are there? Well in my opinion the males of the world can be divided into three categories. You have boys, young males who play and have their toys and don’t know how to act responsible; they are too young.

Then you have guys, they are legally adults but still act like boys, they should know how to act responsible but for whatever reason they do not. They often fall into the negative stereotypes that are applied to all grown men. They are often the sexist bigots that we so often hear about.

But finally you have men, a small minority of males who are true adults, able to express themselves coherently; calm and confident they are often perceived as egotistical and too macho. But they are in most cases simply trying to live their lives, trying to raise their families with the same sense of ethics and morals that they carry with them.

They are stern but kind, hard but loving, strong-willed but understanding, has deep convictions but is open to compromise as long as he does not have to sell himself out.

So my challenge to you the reader is to look at yourself. What category do you fall into?

What category do you wish you fell into?

Ask this question of yourself whether you are a father or are going to be a father or even if you are neither; for facing yourself is the first step to being a complete human being.

Hopefully since you found your way here and actually read this article to the end, you are seeking to be a real man. Complete and true.

So I wish you all luck and blessings and a safe journey.

Blessed Be!

Tags: Pagan, parenthood, parenting

• Children and Parenting

Kaylana Anaya February, 2009

In this month’s article I’d like to discuss life cycles and the wheel of life. It is up to us to teach our children about life cycles. We are born, we grow, we get older and we die. That is the life cycle in its most basic of terms. A child under 2 is too young for this discussion so this month’s article focuses on ages 2-5.

Point out examples of the life cycle all around you, new babies, older kids, adult, older adults and the seniors. Remember that kids this age don’t have a good sense of time so if you point out an elderly person and say the person is close to death, they will think you mean tomorrow. So don’t say that. You can just state that this person (the elderly person) is near the end of her life cycle. No matter how you present it, at some point your child may walk up to an older stranger and tell him matter-of-factly that he is old and near the end of his life cycle (or even near death). While this will be embarrassing at first, just explain to the older person that you are teaching your child about the cycle of life and that you apologize for the child’s bluntness. Later that day or the next day when the moment is forgotten, explain to your child that some people are sensitive about their age and so we don’t usually say that people are old. Your child may need a few reminders, depending on their age but they will eventually get it.

Whether or not you believe in reincarnation, birth is a continuation of the life cycle because if people only died and no one was born, there wouldn’t be life. It is up to you if you want your child to witness giving birth but children under age 5 most likely aren’t ready for it. Perhaps the 41/2 – 5 year old would be ready. I would say if you wish to show your child how babies are born, I’d stick with puppies or kitties. Seeing their mom or another woman giving birth might scare them and they might resent the baby, thinking it is the baby’s fault that the woman was in pain.

As you describe the life cycle, the question of what death is will crop up. Everyone always freaks out when the word death is brought up. If our children see us freak when they ask the question, they will notice and think that death is something bad and to be feared. We don’t want that. We want them to see death as just another part of the life cycle. For specific words to say to explain death, the life cycle and much more, check out Just Tell Me What to Say by Betsy Brown Braun. It’s an awesome book all about children ages 2-6.

As you are teaching about the life cycle, you can also teach the wheel of life, explaining that it is the life cycle of our world. Equate the two by showing that when new leaves and flowers grow, it’s like a baby being born and when the trees die in the winter, it’s like our death.

As your child sees that each season always comes and goes, you can point out that people will always be born and always die. That’s why it’s a cycle, because it keeps going on and on.

I think teaching your child these things is very important, especially starting at age 3. As Betsy Brown Braun says, if you teach your children about the life cycle and death from early on, when someone or some pet they know dies, they will be more likely to accept it and start to understand it.

All right that’s it for this month; I hope you’ve found something helpful. As always, if you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please email me at callista83@cogeco.ca. I always welcome comments here too of course; it’s great to know my article is being read.

Tags: children, kids, pagan parenting, parenting

• Children and Parenting

Lynn OBrien January, 2009

Our lives are centered around our two active, inquisitive daughters. They are always wanting to know what “this” is or what “that” does, or why I wear a pentacle. They love to touch my everyday altar items, eager to see what they feel like or what they do. Our youngest especially likes to touch these things, they are fun for her. I try to use things that are kid friendly just for this reason.

Recently I decided to start introducing and teaching our children about some of the basics. Our youngest will not be learning much since she is only two. The oldest, who is eight, already knows her directions, and what the elements are, but she doesn’t quite understand the significance of them. Even though I put a lot of thought into teaching them, I have some trepidations about what the logical reasons could be for teaching her and the possible shockwaves are weighing heavily on my mind.

Our town is fairly small, and with this small town size comes a small town mentality to match. Adults, as well as children, are often bigoted and fearful of things that they don’t understand. And with her being only eight, will she be able to understand the importance and necessity of keeping private matters private?

I have always believed in giving my children the freedom to choose whatever path they want to follow. I had a parent who believed it was his duty to “instruct me in the ways of the Lord”, and who believes that because I was not raised in going to church, my children will forever be damned. He invites them down for the summer and I dread saying “no”, but I know that he will insist on taking them to church every Sunday and enrolling them in Sunday School while they are there. Then I would have to explain what they experienced, and then potentially deprogram them.

How can we, as parents of impressionable and sensitive children, open their eyes and minds to our beliefs and ways without putting them at risk for ridicule and wrongful assumptions from others? Our school system would be all a-twitter if they knew that at least two families who have children there are Pagan. How can I explain other religions such as Christianity, Judaism, and others without being totally knowledgeable about them? I wish our school system did events that promoted the cultural diversity instead of being “politically correct” and making everything so bland and boring. No one can learn and be mindful of others’ beliefs if the school system hides it from view.

Assumption…..such a dangerous word in the minds of the uninformed and narrow-minded. People often “assume” that they know everything about you just because you wear a “pentacle” or say “blessed be” or have a bumper sticker that says “magic happens”. Not once do they ask you anything, they just assume they understand.

I have found myself holding in my usual rhetoric and quips for fear of being misunderstood; I hide my pentacle for people always associate it with Satanism, even though theirs is an inverted pentacle. I do all of this because I fear what others will think of me and my family. I have even received some opposition from knowing family members because they fear what others will think of THEM.

Watching “Secret Lives of Women” on WE T.V. the one night (Sept. 16, ‘08), the episode was about women of “new age” religions like vampirism, Satanism, Wicca, and general witchcraft. It was good to see people of like mind and experiences as myself. It was nice to see them be able to interact with others and be open about their beliefs, even with the  usual misunderstandings from others. I found myself how do they deal with everyday problems, and then I realized that they have people with them and around them who believed as they do. In our town, if you believe different than the mainstream society, you keep quiet. Oh sure, some have bumper stickers and stuff, and generally people pass it off as something funny, like a joke. But deep down I know that these people are closeting their beliefs because of how those people will behave.

Being a solitary witch, I also find it rather daunting to teach my kids my beliefs. Being rather new to my path myself, I don’t feel experienced enough to properly impart any knowledge to them, with what little I have learned and all that remains. I don’t have anyone close by to learn from, and but I do have some highly recommended books that I am trying to read and learn from in this little venture.

Lord and Lady, be my guides!!

Tags: kids, paganism, parenting

• Children and Parenting

Patrick McCleary January, 2009

The Lessons of Winter

Winter is really here. In most parts of the United States the cold weather and snow has set in. But what does this season mean to us Pagans? We know about Yule and the rebirth of the Sun, but what about that period between Yule and Imbolc? I believe that every season and every Sabbat can teach us lessons if we only have the ears to hear and the eyes to see.

This season is traditionally a time of rest and recovery for the world. A time, when in the natural world, most trees shed their leaves and many animals turn in to hibernate for the long winter. It was also a time of rest for mankind. When the toils of the the year were finished and in many villages the people gathered around the hearth to share stories and count together the blessings of the previous year.

But what place does any of this have in our modern world? A world that never seems to sleep much less take a breath. The answer for many is ‘I’ll rest when I am dead.’

For me this answer is far from being the correct one. The modern world’s way of doing things teaches impatience and greed. And it forces us to run at breakneck pace, only to get us to the grave quicker and with far more regrets.

And this is not the message that I wish to pass on to my children. As a Pagan parent one of my responsibilities is to instill the values taught by the Goddess and God. Those values that are inherent and visible in the world around us.

The lessons I have learned from winter and that I in turn pass on to my children are many. And if you join me in looking at the world around us then I can show you a few examples.

I teach my children to be as still and quiet as a winter pond. For if we are always busy then how can we hear the Gods when They whisper to us?

They learn to be patient as well. For as we look around at the Earth and the plants upon it, and watch them seem to die and wither away, hope could be easily lost. But we know that if we wait long enough then the Earth and the plants will bloom again. This is important because sometimes the Will of the Gods are as equally mysterious and take as a long time to make sense.

But the most important lesson is for them to remember the importance of Family. For in the loving embrace of Family they can truly feel the arms of the Gods around them as well. As I said earlier, Winter was a time that friends and family gathered together around the hearth to share stories. I believe that this was important for the cohesiveness of the family and the community. And it is something that, today, is missed and is desperately needed.

This month is also marks the passage from one calendar year to another, a traditional time to make resolutions. What will our resolutions be? Will you join me and resolve to pass on the lessons the world shows us, the Lessons of Winter?

Tags: children, kids, lessons, parenting, parents, teaching

• Children and Parenting