Hoi Sum November, 2010

Be a Goddess!

It has become trendy to tell women to embrace their inner Goddess, but what does that really mean? I think when people tell us to embrace our inner Goddess they want us to embrace things like our divinity, power, confidence, creativity, knowledge, and sexiness etc. It is the idea that we treat and see ourselves as the beautiful divine creatresses that we are. In a world consumed my shallow definitions of physical beauty and female potential this is not always an easy idea to embrace.

It came to my attention recently how much I was struggling with this concept in my own life. I went from being a sexually uptight conservative Christian to being a sexually uptight politically active feminist. Somewhere in the mix of my religious and political restrictions I had lost my confidence and ignored my sexuality. How can I be a good witch, or be the physical embodiment of our great mother Goddess if I do not embrace my own sexuality and femininity? I wish there was some magical formula for learning to embrace our inner Goddess, but it’s not that easy. We have to work at it and it is different for every woman.

I realized recently that I had been so focused on my spiritual growth this year that I had gotten lazy in taking care of my physical health. I suddenly found myself at the heaviest and “softest” I had ever been. It is not only bad for our bodies to be physically unhealthy, but it is bad for our confidence as well. It takes spiritual, physical, and emotional health to become truly confident-to become a Goddess. Don’t be afraid to be creative though! Do whatever it takes! Much to my surprise I discovered a love for pole dancing. Not only is this new hobby of mine getting my body physically healthy, it is also helping me to embrace my sexuality. I am sexy and there is nothing wrong with that!

Find what makes you feel healthy, confident, and sexy. The journey to becoming a Goddess starts in your mind. It starts with admitting that you are a Goddess and then acting like you are a Goddess. I want you to stop reading this article right now and say out loud, “I am a Goddess, I am beautiful, I am powerful, I am sexy!” Now get off your beautiful Goddess booty and go be all those things! Be a Goddess!

Tags: goddess, self help

• Articles

Hally Rhiannon Nammu April, 2010

Tags: self help

• Self Help

Porphyry April, 2010

Pagan theology: You are it

Off and on over the last few columns I have been talking about various ways of explaining magic.  I divided the ways of talking about how magic “works” into three broad categories:  systematic, individual, and theistic.  In previous columns I covered a variety of systematic explanations, all of which essentially use a set of rules to explain magical effects through some sort of cause and effect relationship.  Systematic explanations say “you do this, the effect will occur.”  These systems can range from scientific to just plain made up.

Now I’d like to talk about individualistic explanations for magical effects.  Here, instead of a “system” or set of rules and laws that explain magic, it is the individual will that creates magic in the world.  Systems can be used to frame and shape that individual “power” but the power ultimately derives from the individual and not the system itself.  An analog to this dichotomy would be the difference between physics and the social sciences.  In physics there are a set of (Newtonian) laws that objects follow independent of who, or whether anyone, is around [1].  Sort of a Platonic ideal of how the universe might work.  These would be equivalent to the magical systems and Grimoires that instruct you on a set of procedures to follow in order to accomplish magic.  At the same time psychology and social sciences attempt to explain individual and collective behavior that involve (relatively) subjective and malleable observations.  Psychologists and behaviorists can talk about the probability that you will do something, but cannot in general guarantee it.  This would be the equivalent of an individual approach to magic:  the burden is on you to make it happen, or not.

Most “systems” tend to say something about individual focus and power, and in fact many systems are designed to help the individual enter a magical mind state so the magic can happen.  Even the purely scientific explanations, such as quantum effects or manipulating probabilities, link to the individual practitioner as something has to get busy affecting probable whosits and quantum whatnots in order to make the magic happen.  However in untangling all these interrelationships it is important to understand exactly what it is we’re after:  why magic works.   Thus we’re asking what comes first: the system, or the individual.    In the case of individualistic explanations, the individual practitioner comes first.

The purest form of individual magic involves psychic effects, such as precognition, psychokinesis, and telepathy [2].  Ignoring parapsychologist’s attempts to embed these effects into a scientific framework, which has not worked well so far, the fundamental idea of all the various psychic phenomena is that there is something within you that you control and manifest in order to have an effect in the world.  This is often characterized as “energy” or some sort of fooling around with quantum or unknown physical principles.  However this, again, puts you into a scientific framework as an attempt at explaining what is happening.

Crowley has a very thoughtful and interesting discussion about the relationship between the practitioner, their will, and the magical link between microcosim and macrocosim [3].  Crowley defines “Magical Operation” as “any event in Nature which is brought to pass by Will.”  Of course he himself admits this covers everything from “potato-growing to banking” in addition to its more magical sense.  Less famously, but more importantly, Crowley goes on to say much of the responsibility for magical operations lay on the individual, as opposed to relying on the “almighty power of God” or ritual practice alone:  “The universe is a projection of ourselves; an image as unreal as that of our faces in a mirror, yet, like that face, the necessary form of expression thereof, not to be altered save as we alter ourselves.”

So, for Crowley (and many others), there is an intertwining between the macrocosim/microcosim structure of magical effects and the individual.  By changing ourselves, we change the world.  At the same time the idea of an event “in Nature” being cause by will implies for Crowley that the event is really in nature and thus dependent to some extent on nature.  “The distance of one’s Magical target and the accuracy of one’s Magical rifle are factors in the success of one’s Magical shooting in just the same way as at Bisley.”  In other words, you cannot create something out of nothing, and what you are trying has to be in some ways possible.

This concept if often reflected in the less sophisticated characterization of magic (or prayer) as requiring active participation in order for it to succeed.  If, for example, you wish for a million dollars, it is very unlikely to happen to you if you sit on the couch for the rest of time watching Gossip Girls [4].  This “get out there and make it happen” is both logical: it probably won’t happen unless you do something; and subtly motivational: sort of a polite way for the HPS to tell the coven members that they actually would be better off if they did something useful and productive.

However there are a couple of more subtle interpretations of this concept that I believe begin to get at the central core of why magic is an important way of both being in and understanding the world. The first interpretation is that magic is a way of spiritual progress.  In other words you practice magic so as to progress spiritually to greater and greater accomplishments.  This you ultimately manifest in the world through changes in your understanding, behavior, and influence of those around you.  You become your own magic and in perfecting yourself change the world [5].

This concept can be interpreted either as self-referential, or world-referential.  In the self-referential interpretation you are practicing magic in order to change yourself and gain spiritual insight.  Any changes in the world are secondary and only a by-product of your ever-closer approach to the Gods and Goddesses.  This is both a theistic interpretation of magic, in the sense that magic brings you closer to the divine, but it also retains an emphasis on the individual, as you are the one approaching the divine.  The world-referential interpretation is a bit trickier, here your inner change manifests in changes in your behavior and that in turn results in changes in the world.  This is more or less “self improvement by magic.”  By performing ritual, ritual that leads to being touched by both magic and the deity, you become more mature, capable, and self-aware in the world.  How you behave in the world begets results in the world.  Obviously this works better if you’re doing magic to seek a love interest rather than a rainstorm, and is more or less an extension of the “get out there and make it happen” school of thought.

The second way to interpret the idea of individual will as the precursor or foundation for magical action is essentially Jungian.  For Jung  the idea of “synchronicity” opened up a different way of interpreting reality [6].  Typically we interpret the world through a causal model.  If I do this, then this will happen.  Chance, among other things, is created from the idea that even rare events actually do occur in the universe, and even a very improbable sequence of events will likely occur if the underlying set of possible events is large enough.  To borrow an example from Jung, seeing pictures fish, hearing the word “fish”, and seeing a fish on a seawall all within the space of a day are a remarkable coincidence [7].

Assuming nothing fishy (!) was going on there was not link between the different, seemingly happenstance, sightings.  So the “links” between the events are not causal in the normal sense of causation.  Instead the link between all the various fish symbols occurs inside you.  You and your interpretation, or the meaning you give them, are what link the non-causal events.  This linkage through meaning is effectively what Jung was talking about when he described synchronicity [8]:

“Causality is the way we explain the link between two successive events, Synchronicity designates the parallelism of time and meaning between psychic and psychophysical events, which so far science has been unable to reduce to a common principle.  The term explains nothing, it simply formulates the occurrence of meaningful coincidences which, in themselves, are chance happenings but are so improbably that we must assume them to be based on some kind of principle or some property of the empirical world.  No reciprocal causal connection can be shown to obtain between parallel events, which is just what gives them their chance character.  The only recognizable and demonstrable link between them is a common meaning, or equivalence.”

So in magical practice something else is happening that is not related to the typical “I do this, that happens” framework that we are all used to.  The magician, and those affected by his magic, are using an alternative framework that replaces causation with meaning as the “glue” that holds the world together.  Magic forms a separate network of meanings that is woven across events and objects in the world but is separate from our physical, scientific, understanding of the universe.  Without us to give the web of magic meaning there would be no magic.  Creating magic in the world is a uniquely human activity, one that arises out of our ability to give meaning to the universe.

This introduces the interesting concept that magic happens neither exclusively inside us, nor exclusively in the world.  It happens between the magician and the world, in a place that literary critics call L’Entre-deux [9].   This presents us with some real advantages as we work to understand what magic is based on.  First synchronicity, and L’Entre-deux, are not predicated on a scientific worldview, so we don’t draw in skeptics or get into arguments with (stage) magicians and scientists, And it also allows us to separate the religious aspect of magic and its practical aspect.  In other words we don’t have to rely on deistic intervention to justify magical workings.  Finally it creates a magical space, a place that is here, but not here.  A meaningful place in the world.  Say, like a sacred space, or a natural wonder, or an experience of deity.  A meaningful place that is not predicated on divinity or divine intervention for its creation. Which goes well with our placing the Gods and Goddess in this world instead of a different one.

It now becomes important to note what I am not talking about here. I am not talking about some exclusively narcissistic view of magical working where the goal is entirely focused on the self and does not have any influence or interaction in the world.  This is not a necessary requirement for us to still be separated from the howling critics of science and debunkers.  We can still be connected and interrelated with the world, but we must borrow Jung’s concept of a non-causal relationship between magical actions and results.

At the same time I am not talking about abandoning the ability of magic to work in the world.  A very plausible argument would be that magic happens within the magician by affecting the magician’s perception of cause and effect creating a synchronous state between their actions and effects.  This makes it very tidy since nothing magical slops out into the world, and into the viewfinders of the scientists and stage magicians.  But that is not what I am arguing here.  I believe it is possible for the actions of the individual magician to expand beyond his immediate mental state, in the same way that telling a story expands the author’s world beyond their own inner mental state.

I believe we are now getting somewhere in our discussion of magic.  The individual is an inherent part of magic.  Magic is a human endeavor prosecuted by people.  Without the magician, magic will not happen.  Thus magic is tied to the will and desires of the worker.  But magic also opens up the space between the individual and the world, the same space opened up by story, art, and, dare I say, imagination.  These exist both in the world, and within us [10].  The magical art exists in this same space between us and the world.  We call this space by a lot of names:  “between the worlds,” “the astral plane,” or “fifth dimension.”  It is the very human process of giving the world meaning, of finding relationships in the world that really matter to us.  That makes magic a very fundamental and powerful tool for how we as Pagans work with the world.

[1] Sure, you’re going to jump on me about quantum effects and observational collapse of probabilities.  The only major problem you have is in fact observational:  for the most part these effects don’t matter in explaining day to day phenomena like birds, kites, and pirates.  Unless you’re doing quantum cryptography or light scattering.  In which case I give it to you.

[2] I really don’t have much of an opinion on the subject of psychic effects.  I’m sure they exist for those involved, however there is a mighty crew of scientists and stage magicians who would strongly differ.  Since I believe that applying scientific criteria, either as an explanation or as a justification, for magic is fatally flawed, I’d have to say that parapsychology is also flawed.  Its flawed because it seeks to understand the “magical” effects using a scientific approach.  I claim you cannot understand “magic” with science.  And, if they actually are doing science then they have failed (for now) because science depends on peer review and consensus.  For me this whole discussion is about religion, not science.

[3] Alister Crowley.  Magic in Theory and Practice, Castle , New York, undated, chapter XIV.  Crowley says a lot in this chapter, I’m choosing just a couple of quotes to integrate it with what I’m talking about.  One fundamental idea is that the microcosim, or what happens under control of the magician, is in turn reflected in the macrocosim or real world.  Another way of saying this is the Hermetic expression “as above, so below.”

[4] I believe this can be demonstrated by examining the number of teenage girl millionaires compared to the popularity of Gossip Girls, but I digress.

[5]  This is also known as theurgy.

[6] While it’s no surprise to bring in Jung, I’m not bringing in his whole worldview, rather the specific idea of synchronicity and its’ placing the individual’s interpretation of events at the center.

[7] Except for the fact they are drawn from a space where you could have seen a bear, frog, apple, or any number of other objects in sequence, but you simply either were presented with the image of the fish, or chose to notice the sequence this time you saw it. I am not entirely convinced of Jung’s characterization of “probable” and “improbable” as these are subjective measures.  Every random or pseudo-random event will have a likelihood of occurring, so nothing, in theory is “improbable.”  Some things have a low probability but then you have to consider your sample space which for Jung’s examples is large.  But I digress.

[8] Carl Jung, “On Synchronicity” in the Portable Jung, Viking, 1971.  In his essay Jung brings in all kinds of stuff about PSI, precognition, and whatnot.  I do not believe these are necessary or interesting.  In fact I think they weaken his argument which has an essential simplicity and, dare I say, postmodern subjectivism about it in the sense that assigning meaning to events places our understanding in a very subjective and personal place.  This is quite different than the objectivist, consensus based, approach inherent in modernism and science.

[9] Readers, viewers, or others enter L’Entre-deux when they find themselves lost in the story, even temporarily.  While they fully realize that they are sitting in a chair or theater, they are suddenly so overcome with the reality of what they are experiencing that everything else is momentarily lost.  This is related to Coleridge’s concept of “suspension of disbelief,” but that is another story (so to speak).  See, for example, Noelle Batt,  “’L’Entre-deux,’ A Bridging Concept for Literature, Philosophy, and Science,” SubStance, 23:2:74, (1994), pp. 38-48

[10] Note we can do a bit of causal reasoning here:  we are in the world, the world is, obviously, in the world, and so the space that we open is also in the world, even though it does not manifest in the same way that the natural world does.

Tags: self help

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Willow Winterborne March, 2010

*The Hedgewitch lives in the space between the Village and the Forest. Between the mundane and the magical. S/He lives with a foot in both worlds.
This column is dedicated to the Hedgewitches of the planet earth.

The Dormant Season
or A Survival Guide to Life in Limbo
Spring is just around the corner, and new life is beginning to manifest itself everywhere. Even in snow-covered places, the crocus and other bulbs begin to emerge from their long slumber. Flowering tree buds swell and begin to defy the cold with their colorful, hope- and cheer-inducing blossoms.

It is easy to see the parallels between the cycles of Nature and the cycles of our lives, as magical people. We pay attention, and are mindful of the changes.  In some of our “seasons”, we are busy and industrious. In others, there is nothing to be done, but to trust in the return of the sun, and that the dormant phase will eventually end. Sadly, our seasons are not always tidily placed into 3-month increments; predictable, steady. Our cycles can last for months or even years.
Yet, there is the aspect of predictability in that they will end, and transition into a new cycle, without doubt.
All things change, both in Nature, and in our own lives.
The very essence of magic is change, if our lives do not change, we know we are magically ineffectual; even stagnant.
Some would say that the times in our lives when we are involved in great productivity and observable change are the most challenging. Sometimes even stressful.
But for me, it is the dormant season that feels the hardest.
The times when it feels like nothing is happening.
This past 3 month period has been one of those for me.
As my garden has lain barren, so it has felt as though my life was taking no forward turn whatsoever.
I have felt like I was between lives. One still ending, the next not quite underway.
It has been quite maddening for me, as I am the sort who feels strongly compelled to make lists, manifest change and get a move on.
As with all seasons, they last exactly as long as they are meant to, quite without regard for how we feel about it.
I have tried various coping methods for this period of limbo my life has been in. This missive is to share those strategies with you. Perhaps you are also awaiting the start of your new life; The Spring for you.
Hopefully, these tips will help make your transition easier, as they have mine.

* Recognize that it is a dormant period for you.
In the same way we know better than to be angry with winter trees for not having leaves, we can ease our own burden of inactivity by realizing this is a dormant period, rather than a productive one.
Just understanding that this is a normal aspect of one’s personal development helps to remind us that spring will come, when it is time.
During this phase, patience, remaining grounded and embracing (even encouraging) the quiet can help us cope.
Accepting that you are not moving forward is not the same as being in denial about it. Know your options and stay abreast of the developments, but also recognize when there is nothing you can do, and accept it as reality.
*Release attachments to a specific outcome.
Just as working a love spell to attract a specific person can be troublesome, so can being attached to only one outcome. The Universe may have something completely different, and unexpected, in mind for you, next. Being attached to any single potential outcome limits your own creativity, and stifles the energy which is interceding on your behalf to create a new life. The best things that happen in our lives are not planned, so trust the process enough to let go of how you think it “should be”.
*Be kind to yourself and others.
Times of uncertainty and stillness can make us frustrated, frightened and even angry. These are excellent times to nurture very simple and necessary pleasures. Good sleep, healthy eating and exercise are often the first things to slip when we feel uncertain. A drop of lavender oil in a tub of hot water can provide a much-needed respite from the cares of the times. Gentle exercise like yoga can help center the body and encourage deep, restful sleep.
Just for kicks, do your hair. Or dress up. You don’t have to have anywhere to go, to make yourself feel special and beautiful.
Splurge on a box of your favorite tea, and take time to quietly enjoy a cup every day.
Create sacred space and spend time in the company of the Divine.
Each positive step you take for your own care will reap benefits far beyond what you can imagine.
*Ask for help, when you need it
In all our lives we have people who love us and want to help us. So often, we believe we should be able to “do it myself”, and disconnect ourselves from those who most enhance our lives. In allowing others to help us, we give them the opportunity to be blessed. We all understand the importance of giving, and its necessity. But we must be equally willing to receive, and to allow others to be blessed for their contributions to our lives.
These can be difficult and uncertain times. But we have tools available to us to not merely survive, but to shine in difficult times. We have families, communities and a Universe which supports us even when we can’t feel it.
Know that the Spring will come and the leaves will return to the trees. The ice of inactivity will melt, and the new phase will emerge.
So often, after a period of inactivity, we will see why it took so long. The perfect place we now walk into is a direct result of having been patient while all the tumblers fell into place.
Trust the process, and be mindful of the blessings along the way.
And know that you are not alone, in whatever season you currently dwell.
Brightest Blessings for a Most Magical and Magnificent Spring,

Tags: self help, spring

• Articles

Hally Rhiannon Nammu October, 2009

UNIVERSAL LANGUAGES

I see the beauty of the plants growing in each and every direction subtly oblivious of where they should and can go. They seek the warmth and energy of the sun, sourcing moisture from the earth and air. All else is irrelevant; all else has no consequence to their day.

The days come and the days go. The sun rises and the sun sets. The clouds pass over, sometimes bringing rain and other times a moment of a shadow. There are no conscious thoughts in these actions. There are contributing factors influencing the direction, however it isn’t premeditated or in a manipulative manner. It is all for the greater good.

So many Angels, Spirit Guides, Ghosts, the Para-Normal, energies of another world glide between us; sometimes they are on a particular mission and other times on their way to a new place. We are oblivious, most of the time.

Plants communicate with other plants via vibration, Dogs, Cats; Animals communicate telepathically all the while reading your energy gauging how you are feeling today. So many people believe our environment is lesser than us because the words they use, the way they communicate does not register with our conscious logic. Yet, the irony is that it is so natural and ironically more advanced than the conscious mind. We limit ourselves through believing that it needs to be understood consciously for it to be accepted.

I wonder what would happen when the majority of the planet realise that everything we do, everything we feel, decide and want happens way before it even reaches our consciousness. That our actual behaviour is a result of the process in which our minds work and only once it reaches our conscious mind does the action follow.

So many are blind to that fact that every day they are having conversations with their pets, sending vibrations to their plants and brushing against their spirit guides.

It is common to find yourself in an environment where the people are concerned with bills, getting to work, meeting the deadline, the argument they had with their partner as they were walking out of the door and for some the kiss that they shared. It would be easy to assume that this is more than enough to occupy the mind to consider room for the things that do not occur on this plane and still affect who we are.

The beauty is that when working on the metaphysical plane all of these idiosyncrasies are irrelevant and the sense of space, freedom, openness embraces your very being to the point that what many worry about seems rather ridiculous.

It isn’t surprising that often the conscious drama created is to provide balance or depth to the conscious mind. Almost like a foundation on which it is based so that it has some control and security to exist.

The more many of us go between planes, open ourselves to the energies of the universe that influence and provide so much growth and enlightenment, the harder it becomes to communicate in conscious logic with those that hardly, if ever travel beyond the mortal plane. You hear the words come out from the person before you and though it seems to be English or the language you are familiar with, it however does not make any sense. It does not resonate meaning to your conscious mind leaving you feeling confused; often to shake your head wondering if it is you or them. The barrier is there and until they begin to evolve communication will be a little challenging, for you.

It can be truly fascinating catching up with people that are not particularly close, perhaps part of a social circle that ebbs and flows, to enter into and see how many struggle within themselves and seek refuge in methods of escapism, judgment or hatred. Then consider you were once them.

It is humbling and opens the heart in the hope that they too have the opportunity to experience a touch of what the universe offers in its beauty, strength and unity.

Tags: languages, self help, universal

• Self Help

Hally Rhiannon Nammu August, 2009

Empathetic Tales by Hally

Since the evolution of technology it has become blatantly clear that being an Empath is as frequent as a person with brown eyes versus someone with red hair or natural blonde. This however, does not detract the significance and the fact that any assistance an individual has in understanding, feeling and knowing without prior knowledge about things and events is still a gift.

Like anything there are varying degrees and as each of us is unique within our own lives, so too will be the Empath that is in us (for those that have this particular gift).

Before I go further into this, there are many, many different gifts, abilities and talents that are in all of us and as we evolve in this life so too do our gifts come to the surface to use and help others on their journey. No one gift is better than another; it is merely what is relevant to you.

I have done a bit of research on being an Empath and it is interestingly enough a starting point to many other skills that until now you may have thought were co-incidental. There may even be events where you were frustrated without realising that you actually dictated the outcome.

From the wonderful Wikipedia, the very brief definition of an Empath is described as the following:

“An empath or telempath is a person who has an acute or highly developed sense of empathy. In the paranormal and in some works of science fiction and fantasy, empathy is a paranormal or psychic ability to sense the emotions of others. It is distinguished from telepathy, which allows one to perceive thoughts as well. Occasionally empaths are also able to project their own emotions or to affect the emotions of others”.

For those of you that are aware that you have Empathetic skills, crowded rooms, markets, busy streets can be overwhelming. What can start out as a fun event with some friends soon turns out to be a case of “I need to get out of here”. The scary part is when you don’t realise why this is happening or how to assist yourself in this situation.

Trams, trains, buses can be very, very hard. The best tool in these situations is an IPod. It is something to stop you reading someone else. The more aware you become the more you can control, deflect and choose the information that comes to you.

I know of some Empaths that are so in tuned that they will literally become ill when being around others that are ill. (This is actually a very common trait). The person that was ill will become healthy and the Empath will carry the sickness. It is important to be aware that it isn’t always energies that you are connecting to and it can be rather detrimental if you are not careful.

If this is what happens be sure to regularly cleanse yourself with sage and see a healer to ensure you are only energetically carrying yourself. I often see my Reiki Practitioner for sessions specifically for this. It is amazing how much you can pick up when you are busy doing the day to day things. This also assists in retaining a higher vibrational level which is a paramount when doing anything outside of the physical world.

Consider what type of Empath you are. Are you the type that reads energies? Are you the type that can tell a whole person’s history by touch? Are you the type that goes home feeling exactly as your friend felt after a coffee? The beauty of this is there are many variations and there is no right or wrong. There is only the sweet essence that this gift will help you as well as enable you to open a door into some pretty amazing places.

I come across many healers, light workers, psychics and all have specific gifts to enable them to provide this amazing service to us. So, what can an Empath provide?

Most Empaths are creative by nature and often seek jobs as a counsellor, teacher, coach or that where being in tune to others is an added benefit in helping someone. Consider what you do and if it gives you a sense of peace and comfort…

Emotions can become overwhelming and if this is new to you, relax and sit with it. It is very likely that they aren’t your own. The best starting point is to know who you are and be true to yourself. It will provide a great foundation with indentifying what is your “stuff” and what is someone else’s.

Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empath

Tags: empath, self help

• Self Help

Moss Bliss May, 2009

When you can run with the river…

It’s the same Door, but we’re making more changes this month.  Why don’t you walk through it again with me?

You’ve changed your diet.  You’ve changed your lifestyle.  You’ve changed your habits.  Maybe you’ve even changed your clothing selections.  Your life is still a mess. So what’s left?

Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to change your friends.  I’m sure you have some good ones, maybe even great ones… but what about that one (or more) that always leaves you feeling worse than before you met with him/her?

There are many kinds of toxic friendships.  Here are nine basic types:

The User:  This person only has friends as long as he/she can use them for some purpose or goal of his/her own.

The Betrayer:  Nothing hurts more than a friend who breaks your trust.

The Controller:  This person is a friend as long as she/he is in control. They want you to think that they are “helping” you, but refuse that help or break that control and find out what toxic friendship really means.

The Judge:  Judgming and criticizing, this person can erode your self-esteem. The judge is a fault finder. You can rarely do anything completely right with this person.

The Promise Breaker:  This person rarely does what s/he says s/he will do. If you have a date, they are often a no-show.

The Gossip:  Remember, if they will gossip to you about others, they will gossip about you to others.  This is actually a subset of “The Betrayer”.

The Self-Centered Person:  This person can’t think of you and your needs, they are too busy thinking of themselves.

The Competitor:  This person has to do everything better than you (or anyone else) or die trying.  Although some competitiveness is normal in friendships, too much competition makes a toxic friend.

The Leaner: This includes all the very needy friends who cling and may be at your doorstep every day. He/she usually wants all of your time and jealousy often enters the picture in this friendship.  (Another form of “The Controller”, but they just don’t see it that way…)

Is your friendship toxic?  Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

How do I feel after spending time with my friend? Sad, angry, depressed, drained, stressed out, pissed off, etc.

Is there reciprocity in the friendship?

Is there truth and honesty in my friendship?

Is there a mutual respect for one another?

Is my friend loyal to me and I to her?

Can I freely express my true feelings about the friendship?

Does my friend criticize and belittle me?

Does my friend abuse the friendship and take advantage of me?

Do I feel like I always get the short end of the stick?

Do I ever have to ask myself the question, “Why do I allow him/her to treat me this way?”

Do I have uncomfortable/negative feelings about my friend and his/her behavior?

Why do I continue to put up with my friend’s selfishness?

Does my friend consistently lie to me, do I trust my friend, is he/she loyal to me?

There are, of course, many more questions you could ask, but this covers a lot of the territory.

So what can you do about a toxic friendship?  Doing nothing continues the drain on your energy resources.  Talking about it can result in a huge outburst, but usually results in your feeling better at least about yourself, and could start a healing process in your friend.  But don’t expect it to get better soon, and it could be worse for a while.

Toxic friendships are abuse.  Don’t sugar-coat it, there is nothing else you can call them.  The longer you allow yourself to be abused, the more of your personal power you are giving both the friend and the relationship itself, and the less you have for yourself.  A friendship is between two equals.  Anything else does not truly constitute a friendship.

You can repair your friendships, but only as equals.  Nothing else counts as a true “fix”.  Sorry to lay it on the line like that, but there it is.  Taking control of your friendships (not your friends) is a positive move for both of you, and you should do so in the most loving way possible, without becoming toxic yourself.

“One of the characteristics of a toxic friendship is that the good friend feels she can’t extricate herself from the relationship,” says Charles Figley, PhD, professor and director of the Psychological Stress Research Program at Florida State University. “Whether it’s on the phone, in person, or from the friendship entirely, you feel like you are trapped, you’re being taken advantage of and you can’t resolve the problem one way or another.”

Whether the feeling of entrapment has to do with history — you’ve been friends with the person since a young age, like Roberts — or you feel she has no one else to turn to and you need to stand by her through thick or thin, you need to take action to help your friend, and yourself.

Recognize the toxicity. “The first step is to recognize that the person is toxic,” Figley tells WebMD, “or at least that the relationship is toxic. They might not be a toxic friend to others but they are to you.”

Take responsibility. By continuing a toxic friendship, you’re allowing your friend to hurt you, but you’re also hurting yourself. “You have to take some degree of responsibility for the situation,” says Figley, a spokesman for the American Psychological Association. “It’s a pleaser personality — you want people to like you, you want to get along, and it’s hard to say no. But you can pay the price in one way by having toxic friends.” So even though we want to help our friends and have them rely on us in troubling times, take responsibility for toxic friendships and how they make you feel.

Talk to your nontoxic friends. “Talk to other people who may not have a vested interest in your toxic friendship,” says Figley. “People who can give you an objective opinion regarding whether the friendship is salvageable and whether you can manage the toxic friend to neutralize the toxicity, or if you need to end the relationship.”

Suggest professional help. A toxic friend might need professional help at some point to help her get her career, emotions, or family back on track. How do you approach such a touchy subject? If you point out to your friend how she is treating you and ask her to stop, and she continues to do it, you need to take it to the next level.  Say to her, ‘I know you are a good person, but maybe you want to seek help.’ (Of course, this includes talking to your, or her, High Priestess or other Elders, assuming they are not part of the toxic friendship.)  But keep in mind that if it has gone to that level, and a friendship is that toxic, it’s going to be destroyed at some point anyway. Better you make an effort to help your friend address her issues.

End the friendship. “It’s difficult to end a friendship,” says Figley. “Breaking up with anyone, whether it’s a spouse, love relationship, or a friend, is not fun. It’s even more important in this kind of context. In contrast to a love relationship in which you recognize you aren’t compatible, this type of relationships is hurting you.”
Third-Party Toxic

It’s bad enough when a person has to deal with a toxic friend firsthand but when the toxicity is impacting not you personally, but someone you love, like a spouse or a friend, it can be even harder. How do you handle it? As much as you want to jump in and help, sometimes patience is key.

“The person who is affected by the toxic friend has to approach you,” says Figley. “Then, you have every right to provide your observations. But you need to be honest, be objective, avoid criticism, and listen more than you talk. And the worst thing you can do is put down the toxic friend.”

Negativity, explains Figley, will have your loved one defending their toxic friend. The focus should be on how you perceive the situation is impacting your loved one, and how you can help.

As you can see, dealing with toxic friendships is a major part of your life, and a major project in reclaiming your energy.

As Ferron says in one of her songs, “When you can run with the river, why run with the river rat?”

OK, take a deep breath, think about what you need to do (or don’t need to do, and really relax).  And please meet me back here next month, for another walk through the Door.

Hugs,

Moss

Sources: Cyberparent.com, toxicfriendships.org, CBS News article about WebMD, AssociatedContent.com, and the song “Indian Dreams” by Ferron

Tags: mental health, self help

• Self Help

Hally Rhiannon Nammu May, 2009

Is Blood Thicker than Water?

I deliberated over this month’s article. I have had so many things happen on a personal level this month that have challenged me, predominantly on a metaphysical level. It is strange how even in the darkest times that light can find its way through.

So, as I am a big believer of writing from the heart, I thought it would benefit everyone the most, if I did exactly that. This article is not about motivation or “feel good”, it is about standing true when everything logical seems to lose its place.

Before you read this, know that it comes from my heart and what is in yours may be different, so you don’t have to agree with me.  I hope there are some out there that tell me it is different for them – I welcome it!

For me, it has been an awakening of connecting to my ever faithful spirit guides and learning that no matter who someone is, who we believe them to be, that sometimes, they aren’t. The ability of accepting this is where growth happens, even through the tears of truth.

Family… our parents; our siblings and our relatives. Our lives revolve around them and they can have more power over us than we care to admit. What does this all really mean in the greater scheme of things?

The saying that blood is thicker than water comes to mind. So much time is spent trying to appease our family and yet, most of us fail. Maybe the problem is that if we weren’t related and if these people were friends we probably would have dropped them a long time ago.

It then poses the question of where to draw the line when your “family” disregard, disrespect and believe controlling your every move is normal.

Control is an interesting thing in a family. We find ourselves believing that without it we cannot exist or that we lose something of ourselves. This tends to then force some of us to believe that we can maintain order and a level of sanity in our lives by trying to control those around us through mind games, guilt trips as well as using the “family” card.

Perhaps the creation of our families is not to have a harmonious life together supporting each other on our journeys, perhaps we find ourselves with these dysfunctional people to learn about ourselves; to learn what it is to compromise and remove judgement when that is all we feel.

It is said that each person comes into our lives for a specific purpose, so I wonder what your family means to you and your journey…

I would like to think that there are some out there with families that provide the support and unconditional love that we all hear about. That in essence, the symbolism of a family, when with pure intent, is magical and has the ability to evolve into something beyond the material world.

Whatever your relationship is with your family there is no right or wrong. Whatever your purpose is on your journey it is highly possible that the role of your family members is to highlight and confront matters others would ignore.

It is human nature to judge and compete. Ironically most of us are familiar with this due to growing up with the rivalry of our siblings. Some of us as adults are now wonderful friends and then there are those where the rift will never heal.

So, I ask the question – is blood thicker than water? Are we delusional in believing that our birth family is anything more than a reminder of all the things we want to avoid?

I would like to think of the birth family as a starting point. They are a reminder of where you have come from and not necessarily where you end up. If you evolve and they do not then the affect of water will follow – you will flow apart. Only if the thickness between you i.e. the symbolism of blood and connection is retained through communication, compromise, honesty and a willingness to accept irrelevant of all else, then you will create a stronger bond that will last for a lifetime.

Most of the families I know struggle to retain any sense of compassion and understanding. I have even found the family that stands by you is not the one from birth, but the one you created yourself. This would suggest that blood is not about birth right, it is about the bond and the connection. When you see your birth family in its truth without the façade of childhood emotion, you sometimes see things never thought possible. We all strive to be better people; we all strive to have a fulfilling life – how does your family support this?

Family to me is not about birth right. It is about connecting by standing in your own truth and sometimes this means disconnecting from those that you grew up with.

It is accepting without understanding and loving without judgement. It is knowing that no matter what you will both be there for each other because of the invisible bond that brought you together – and with this in mind, your blood may not be related but it will create a synergy that will not be lost when the tide changes.

Consider who in your life is part of your family and what this means to you…

Tags: help, mentor, self help

• Self Help

Hally Rhiannon Nammu April, 2009

THE AFFECT OF MUSIC by Hally

From an early age we come to appreciate music as something that is always there. It is something that we use at a party, in the car to pass the time and even in cafes and stores we visit. We come to appreciate music as a catalyst to fun, sadness, opportunity and remorse. It is pivotal in our day to day dramas and yet, did you ever really wonder about music itself?

Based on numerous conversations over the years only those that consciously make music part of their lives does music and the sensitivities we have to music become apparent. What we classify the “every day person” that goes about their business rarely stops to think of music as anything more than an additive to an event.

is a powerful medium connecting our unconscious to our conscious. It has the power to move us to tears or lift us up to laughing. This is done through the choice of notes, the progression of chords and keys used to even the tone of the singer, if there is one.

Speaking first hand as a musician and someone that is more sensitive than some, music is one of the rare things in life that is like breathing to me. It can be found as the wind whistles through the trees, it can be found with a busker strumming her guitar on the sidewalk and it is something that I find lives within our very hearts. is the song of life.

Consequently when I find myself at events where the music does not complement certain aspects of my own musical chord I can become uncomfortable and it has the power to change my state of mind.  Naturally when you mention this to a friend they look at you as though you are speaking another language because they may not resonate with their own song let alone that which has been written by someone else.

When you walk into a store or a café take note of how it makes you feel. Sometimes this in itself can make you feel at ease or ready to run. Listen to what really resonates with you and ask the question why. You may be surprised to hear what the answer is.

Below is a poetic interpretation to the power of music…

A MUSICIAN’S CONNECTION TO LIFE…

To play, to sing is to live.

Tags: healing, Music Interviews & Reviews, self help

• Articles

Moss Bliss February, 2009

Getting CHEESy

…and written over the Door are the words:  Choice.  Hope.  Empowerment.  Environment.  Spirituality. This is the door we walk through together this month.

I spent two weeks in school this month (January 2009).  The class was called Peer Employment Training, and the end result was to be a certificate as a Peer Support Specialist, making the twenty of us in the class eligible for employment in the fields of mental health and substance abuse.

The twenty of us walked in with our Superman capes and bulletproof Spandex, waiting to be empowered to lift and carry all our charges into a new world.  We were very disappointed, but in a joyful way.

In just the first hour of the class, we were taught how to take off our capes and fit them for each and every person we were (will be) assigned to, and teach them how to learn to use it themselves.  Instead of Advocacy, we were trained in how to make each person we serve into their own expert, empowering them to take control of their own case and not live down to their labels.

You know how psychiatry has been these past 40 years.  You walk into the doctor’s office, you tell him what’s wrong, and he doesn’t hear but a few key words of what you tell him.  He then uses those key words to decide upon a diagnosis, and that diagnosis tells him what drugs to prescribe you.  There is little or no talk therapy, and after being given a label, you are never treated as a full human being again.  They can take you to court and force you to take the medications, or force you to receive electro-convulsive therapy, or force you to go to and stay in a “hospital”, all in the name of Your Own Good, to keep you from Doing Harm To Yourself Or Others.

Voila, you are no longer a person.  You are a label, a diagnosis, a stigma.

I’ve been beating my own head against that barrier for most of my life.  I knew I was still a person.  I knew the drugs were hurting me.  Over five years ago, I told the doctors where to go, and they didn’t have enough on me to commit me somewhere.  In those five years (and in the two prior years), I learned how to take care of myself, how to get well, how to recover.  My recovery is not complete, but I am at least 80% better than I was under their “care”.

I walked into this class expecting to get more bruises on my head from beating against the same old wall… and they moved the wall!  They had even begun to dismantle it!  I grabbed my sledgehammer and did my own best Berlin imitation.

From the first, the word “recovery” was used.  We were told that we were people, not labels, and were not to be defined as less than human ever again.  We were told about our choices, and we learned that this new paradigm has already been in use in a few areas.  There is a new hospital about 40 miles west of Asheville which mimics another hospital in Phoenix, Arizona, where there are no physical restraints, there are no labels, and there are more peer support specialists than doctors.  The treatment area is called the “Living Room” and is furnished accordingly.  People are recovering, and are welcome to come and go as they choose, and are never ignored.

Wow.  Add another wow to that.  We learned about the CHEES Priniciple, which is:

CHOICE: One choice is no choice.  Mental health can be achieved through the use of drugs, supplements, talk therapy, meditation, acupuncture, chiropractic, traditional Chinese medicine, and many other routes, and withholding information on any of these is dishonoring the individual.

HOPE: You are never hopeless.  Sometimes you can feel so far down that you need someone to hold your hope for you until you can hold it yourself.  The twenty of us were trained to do just that.

EMPOWERMENT: You are the expert on your problems and your solutions.  We will help you find those sources, but you will lead us through that process.  We can give suggestions, but only with your permission and only after trying to get you to see what is already inside you.  We will listen to you; we will do our best to empower you to get your “treatment team” to listen to you.

ENVIRONMENT: You need to be in a place that suits you, not a “treatment center” and not on the streets.  You know what is best for you.  We will help you discover the options and find ways to get into what you need.

SPIRITUALITY: This was the big one. We are using the S-word again, and even the L-word (LOVE).  No more impersonal decisions made on your behalf.  Each of us has our own spirituality, and we peer support specialists are being trained to honor that.

Peer Support Specialists are experts, but it’s a different kind of expert:  We are experts in not being experts (and that takes a LOT of expertise!).  We are learning how to listen to you, how to lead you to listen to yourself.  We do not know what is Right For You – only you know that.

Are you beginning to see why I am so excited about this?  Are you beginning to have hope that the System will die and leave something better behind?  If not, I would be happy to hold that hope for you until you are ready.

To me, the things I learned in this class were more miraculous than if we ever were to elect a black President… oh, wait, we just did, didn’t we?  Damn.  Am I still in the same world I was last year?

I sure hope not.  I like the world I’m in now.  And if we work together, praise Goddess, we will all have something good to think back on.  Why wait for 2012?  The old world is ending now.  We can, we will create the new one together, in peace, love, and all those old sixties things (minus the drug busts).  Remember CHEES and all those bad memories will start to fade.

Let’s walk through another Door together… next month.

Tags: health, mental, self help

• Articles