fresh start

A Simple Path: Journey of a Hedgewitch

January, 2012

A Fresh Start

There have been many times during my years on the Path, where I have felt the overwhelming need to begin anew.
When I first dedicated myself, as a Solitary servant to Hecate. When I gave myself a magical name, a year later.
And now, I feel the hands of the clock sweeping the table clear and making way for another Fresh Start for me.

It has been a season of tremendous loss for me and for my family. We have lost jobs, pets, dear friends and family members during this, the waning of the Year. Our relationships have been strained, strengthened and blessed during the difficulties we have faced, as is the most blessed scenerio in a situation of that sort.
I can feel myself having been changed in ways I wasn’t expecting. After all, I am not skipping down the lane for the first time. At my age, one begins to think they have learned what there is to know for this phase of life. But, no. The Universe always loves a pop-quiz.

At other times of my life, where change came to me suddenly, it was as a result of knowing what I was missing in my life, and taking hold of it with both hands.
But what happens when change is thrust upon you, and you have no idea what you are going to become, next?
Without the sense of purpose and direction that I have enjoyed during changes of the past, I feel sort of adrift, spiritually, and on my own.
It is strange for me to be in this directionless void, too, because I have always known just what to do. No matter how crazy things ever seemed, I knew exactly what had to be done. I am an Aquarius…our watchword is “I know”. And this has always been entirely true for me. Even if I couldn’t see the way out, I always trusted my sense of knowing what should be done, in its own moment.

Now, this is not to say I no longer trust myself to know what to do at the right moment. I do. It is just the amount of time I am floating between “worlds” is beginning to make me question my ability to hear the answers when they come. After all, shouldn’t I be better situated to know what to do than this?
In the absence of a direction, I feel myself paddling along on my little life raft, but not going any particular place. While I trust the Universe implicitly to guide me, I wonder what the plan is, while I am sitting here, drifting.

I write of this because I surely cannot be the only person who feels as though they have somehow, unwittingly lost their way.
It wasn’t so much a matter of choices which have come down to this, but more like a clock winding down, and then the knob breaking off. This season has ended and there is no bringing it back. Further, there is no sense of direction to indicate what the next move is.

I found, in my floundering, a few things to be sure of:
*Sometimes it is perfectly all right to acknowledge your frustration at the seeming lack of light at the end of the tunnel. Scream, cry and beat pillows with tennis rackets if it will make you feel better, even for a moment. I highly recommend doing this in privacy, as it tends to freak out the rest of the household.

*Take time to take care of yourself. Just because you have no idea what you are doing, doesn’t mean you are not infinitely valuable to the Plan. Get good rest and remain as calm as possible. Chamomile, catnip and valerian can be really helpful in maintaining balance.

*Count your blessings just as they are. In acknowledging what we have we force out thoughts and worries about what we do not have, and are sure would make our lives so much easier if we did. Now this is nearly never the case, and our desires often don’t manifest because we are better off without them. But it can be really helpful to focus on what is good, what we do have. It brings our focus into a place of mindfulness and gratitude, and this is the position from which we are most receptive to our blessing.

*Consider the things in your life that you love. Are there things you have loved to do in the past that have gotten away from you? In my case, it was crafting. As I mended the finger of a mitten, I remembered my love for crafting, sewing, crocheting, etc. and realized i hadn’t engaged in any of those activities in ages. Like years! I realized that my “new self” will be born from my old self, and things I have allowed to be swept away by the mindless forgetting of soldiering on. The New Me will craft, and will take joy from the project and the product, as I have not done in a long time. Maybe there is some aspect of your old self which is trying to manifest. Just throwing that out there.

* Make a list. Or even more than one list. When we become dislodged from our comfort zone, we can be desperate, and needy. When this happens, we hurl unfocused need vibes out into the Universe, of ten pleading for “anything to make things better”. If I know anything about magic, it is that a focused beam of pure intention is the strongest force we possess. If you make a list of what you would like your life to be like, your desires and intentions are visualized, specified and clarified. You know what you want, and the Universe responds to your focus. Even though your new self will not be exactly what is on your list, you will see how your intention played a role in the discovery of your True Purpose and Direction.

* Remember, too, that every Wheel includes a season of Winter. The dark time where it seems like nothing is growing and the world is dormant. In our lives, these places of lack of direction can feel like winter. But just because it is cold and dark, does not mean nothing is happening. In fact, nothing could be farther from the truth. Beneath the blanket of frost and snow, the seeds already swell with new life~ we just can’t see it yet. Try not to expend energy on being angry with the trees for not having leaves yet. Spring will come when it is meant to, as it always does. And then the miraculous unfolding of all that was forthcoming will be made manifest. I know this is an ubersimple metaphor, but I think it an appropriate one for those who wonder when their Spring will come.

I wish I had something brilliant to say to those who have wandered on the backside of this directionless desert, with me. Sadly, I do not.
I merely come out of the closet as someone who has been feeling this way, and reach a hand out to others who may also share in this place. I have always felt the best way to feel better is to do something for someone else.
I hope you all find your way with True Purpose this season, and have a chance to help someone else along their way.

Brightest Blessings this Winter!