{"id":1512,"date":"2009-04-01T01:10:23","date_gmt":"2009-04-01T06:10:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/paganpages.org\/content\/?p=1509"},"modified":"2009-03-20T13:48:09","modified_gmt":"2009-03-20T18:48:09","slug":"door-to-the-beyond-7","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/2009\/04\/01\/door-to-the-beyond-7\/","title":{"rendered":"Door to the Beyond"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n
Breaking the Blame and Shame Game<\/strong><\/p>\n

This month, I take you through the Door into my past \u2013 and, gods willing, your present and future.<\/p>\n

I happen to be one of those people who tells anyone who seems interested about who I am and how I got here.\u00a0 You probably know that already from reading this article.<\/p>\n

At some point in my childhood, my mother revealed herself to my father as being crazy.\u00a0 He took her to the doctor (after patching the walls where the pots and pans struck them after missing him), and the doctor’s reasoned suggestion was, “throw her in the State Hospital and lose the key.”\u00a0 (My mother told me about this just a few years ago, the first time she had ever admitted this imperfection.)\u00a0 My father refused to do so, and so I grew up with my mother \u2013 diagnosed, but untreated.\u00a0 She refuses psychiatric medications to this day \u2013 and perhaps that is where I got my stubbornness on this issue.<\/p>\n

But while I was growing up, my mother’s “condition” caused her to pass a wide variety of mixed messages to me and my brother.\u00a0 To be blunt, I never knew what was “good” and what was “bad”, and from about the age of 5 I was spanked for being “bad” when my father got home.<\/p>\n

There are few things more disempowering to a young child than being beaten without knowing what you did wrong.\u00a0 I tried and tried and tried to be “good”, only to get spanked again.\u00a0 After a while, perversity set in.\u00a0 It was much easier to determine what was “bad” than what was “good” (or “not bad”).\u00a0 I was going to get a spanking anyhow, so I might as well do something so that I “deserved it”.<\/p>\n

I got just as many spankings.\u00a0 But I thought I didn’t feel so bad about it, because I deserved it now.<\/p>\n

Later, as I got older, kids started picking on me.\u00a0 My parents discouraged physical violence (unless they did it to me), so I was told not to fight back.\u00a0 Most of the abuse was verbal.\u00a0 So I did what I was trained to do \u2013 I started picking on myself.\u00a0 I told myself, “It won’t hurt so much if I know what they’re going to say and say it first.”<\/p>\n

You know what?\u00a0 It took me a lot of years but, as you’ve read in my articles, I finally figured out that all I was doing was training myself to curse myself.\u00a0 The hardest thing to do that started my recovery was the easiest \u2013 stop putting myself down.\u00a0 No matter where the abuse comes from, it hurts.\u00a0 In fact, coming from myself, the abuse had a direct channel to my Younger Self, or subconscious mind, so it likely hurt me more than if it came from someone else.<\/p>\n

All of this came back to me the other night as I was reading one of the Great Books of Our Time, Rob Brezsny’s Pronoia (How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings<\/em>).\u00a0 On page 253, he gave me the codification of my Next Step in Recovery.<\/p>\n

Say these words with me, or by yourself.<\/p>\n

I will never again cast a curse on myself.<\/p>\n

Being Pagan, most of us know that true Words of Power must be said three times, with intent.<\/p>\n

I will never again cast a curse on myself.<\/p>\n

I will never again cast a curse on myself.<\/p>\n

There.\u00a0 Feeling better now?\u00a0 I sure am.<\/p>\n

Rob included a poem shortly after this magickal statement.\u00a0 I suggest you read it aloud, dedicating it to yourself:<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n


\nI love my strange beauty and amazing pain<\/strong><\/p>\n

I love my hungry soul and entertaining games<\/p>\n

I love my flaws, my gaps, my fears<\/p>\n

I love my mysterious, dazzling frontiers<\/p>\n

I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself<\/p>\n

I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself<\/p>\n

I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself<\/p>\n

I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself<\/p>\n

Beauty and truth and love will always find me<\/p>\n

Chaos and wilderness will always sustain me<\/p>\n

I’m the fire and water and earth and air that are forever fresh from eternity<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n


\nI’m a perfect creation and everything alive is naturally in love with me<\/strong><\/p>\n

So mote it be.<\/p>\n

Until we come to this Door again next month,<\/p>\n

Hugs,
\nMoss<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Breaking the Blame and Shame Game This month, I take you through the Door into my past \u2013 and, gods willing, your present and future. I happen to be one of those people who tells anyone who seems interested about who I am and how I got here.\u00a0 You probably know that already from reading this article. At some point in my childhood, my mother revealed herself to my father as being crazy.\u00a0 He took her to the doctor (after patching the walls where the pots and pans struck them after missing him), and the doctor’s reasoned suggestion was, “throw her in the State Hospital and lose the key.”\u00a0 (My mother told me about this just a few years ago, the first time she had ever admitted this imperfection.)\u00a0 My father refused to do so, and so I grew up with my mother \u2013 diagnosed, but untreated.\u00a0 She refuses psychiatric medications to this day \u2013 and perhaps that is where I got my stubbornness on this issue. But while I was growing up, my mother’s “condition” caused her to pass a wide variety of mixed messages to me and my brother.\u00a0 To be blunt, I never knew what was “good” and what was “bad”, and from about the age of 5 I was spanked for being “bad” when my father got home. There are few things more disempowering to a young child than being beaten without knowing what you did wrong.\u00a0 I tried and tried and tried to be “good”, only to get spanked again.\u00a0 After a while, perversity set in.\u00a0 It was much easier to determine what was “bad” than what was “good” (or “not bad”).\u00a0 I was going to get a spanking anyhow, so I might as well do something so that I “deserved it”. I got just as many spankings.\u00a0 But I thought I didn’t feel so bad about it, because I deserved it now. Later, as I got older, kids started picking on me.\u00a0 My parents discouraged physical violence (unless they did it to me), so I was told not to fight back.\u00a0 Most of the abuse was verbal.\u00a0 So I did what I was trained to do \u2013 I started picking on myself.\u00a0 I told myself, “It won’t hurt so much if I know what they’re going to say and say it first.” You know what?\u00a0 It took me a lot of years but, as you’ve read in my articles, I finally figured out that all I was doing was training myself to curse myself.\u00a0 The hardest thing to do that started my recovery was the easiest \u2013 stop putting myself down.\u00a0 No matter where the abuse comes from, it hurts.\u00a0 In fact, coming from myself, the abuse had a direct channel to my Younger Self, or subconscious mind, so it likely hurt me more than if it came from someone else. All of this came back to me the other night as I was reading one of the Great Books of Our Time, Rob Brezsny’s Pronoia (How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings).\u00a0 On page 253, he gave me the codification of my Next Step in Recovery. Say these words with me, or by yourself. I will never again cast a curse on myself. Being Pagan, most of us know that true Words of Power must be said three times, with intent. I will never again cast a curse on myself. I will never again cast a curse on myself. There.\u00a0 Feeling better now?\u00a0 I sure am. Rob included a poem shortly after this magickal statement.\u00a0 I suggest you read it aloud, dedicating it to yourself: I love my strange beauty and amazing pain I love my hungry soul and entertaining games I love my flaws, my gaps, my fears I love my mysterious, dazzling frontiers I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself Beauty and truth and love will always find me Chaos and wilderness will always sustain me I’m the fire and water and earth and air that are forever fresh from eternity I’m a perfect creation and everything alive is naturally in love with me So mote it be. Until we come to this Door again next month, Hugs, Moss<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"iawp_total_views":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1512","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1512","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1512"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1512\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1517,"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1512\/revisions\/1517"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1512"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1512"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paganpages.org\/emagazine\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1512"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}