Black & Blue Friday

Black & Blue Friday

by Weyland Smith

Weyland and Sparkle enter the store.  It’s packed with shoppers.  Sparkle halts, stares, and jabs Wey with an elbow.  “Lookit the guy with the horns!”

Weyland grins.  “Lord Cernunnos!”  He bows.

“Wey, please, no salutations–you’ll attract attention.”

Sparkle looks around them.  Nobody else seems to find a big furry guy with a pair of horns and a snout out of the ordinary.  “How can you walk around looking like that?”

“Only believers can see me.”  He scans the crowd.  “Hey, have you guys seen Jesus?  We got separated and I can’t find him anywhere.”

Sparkle blinks.  “You know Jesus?”

“Oh, sure.  We call know each other.”

A long haired and bearded man in a robe steps up.  “I was lost but now I’m found.  “Hi, everybody.”

Cernunnos slaps Him on the back.  “JC!  I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Seek and ye shall find,” Wey quips.

Sparkle is as pale as new fallen snow.  “It’s–it’s you!”

“Of course it’s me.  I’ve always been me.”

Sparkle beings to stammer.  “But–but–what are you doing here?”

“Shopping for Mom and Dad.  My birthday’s next month.”

Cernunnos is staring at a guy who is lugging a framed picture of a polar bear out the door.  “That dude just stole that picture.”

“I hate shoplifters,” Jesus growls.  “One side, I’m gonna turn him into a pillar of salt.”

Cernunnos sidesteps in front of him.  “Calm down, JC–remember how that last bit with the money changers turned out.”

Wey nods in agreement.  “Too many witnesses.”

Jesus is still frowning.  “Well…okay.  I’ll just sting him a little.”

“Do as thou wilt,” Cernunnos says.  “C’mon, let’s check out the lady’s shoe department.  “I bet Mary would love a new pair of sandals.”

“I was thinking of a comfy pair of slippers.  See you guys later!”

“Sure.  Happy Birthday!”

Wey and Sparkle finish their shopping and leave.

Sparkle looks around for their car.  She is shivering, and not just from the cold.  “I wonder what Jesus did to that shoplifter?”

Up ahead, a car door bursts open with enough force to send it skipping end over end across the lot.  The shoplifter erupts screaming from the car with a huge and very much alive polar bear at his heels, snapping at his scarf.

Weyland’s eyes go wide.  “Now that’s a real doorbuster for ya!”

 

About the Author

Weyland Smith is a columnist, book reviewer and storyteller for Pagan Pages blog.  He can be reached at [email protected]