He Said, She Said
He Said, She Said
Wiccar Man
Weyland sits down at the computer, slurping from a big green mug of coffee. He logs in and sees FireCat on his Buddy List.
Wey: Hi, Whitey! 🙂
FireCat: Hi yourself.
Wey: Well, I’m finally gonna do it.
FireCat: You got a real job?
Wey: No. Well, yeah, kinda. I’m going to get ordained.
FireCat: Thought you already did that last year.
Wey: Wasn’t ready then.
FireCat: What changed?
Wey: Me. I’m a kinder, gentler poobah now.
FireCat: Really.
Wey: Yeah.
FireCat: Since when?
Wey: Today.
FireCat: Uh huh.
Wey: I mean it.
FireCat: I know.
Wey: I can be serene if I put my mind to it.
FireCat: A priest needs to be calm, yes.
Wey: I prefer the term "wiccan vicar".
FireCat: Wiccan vicar.
Wey: Yeah. It reminds me that I’m working for the Lord & Lady, not all by my lonesome.
FireCat: So you’ll be a wiccar.
Wey: Huh?
FireCat: Wiccan + vicar = wiccar.
Wey: It makes me sound like porch furniture.
FireCat: A wiccar! LOL. I can’t wait to tell AJ.
Wey: You wouldn’t really.
FireCat: ***This user has signed off and is no longer online***
Weyland (glowering at the screen): I guess you would. (Sighs and types on keyboard.)
LadyofPerpetualMotion.com
No church? No cash? No problem!
Fill out our questionnaire and be legally ordained in minutes!
Frowning, Weyland laboriously types out his answers with one finger.
Success! You are now legal!
But if you had to come here to get ordained, who’s going to believe you’re legit?
You need proof.
Like our snazzy plastic card, with Reverend (Your Name) embossed on it in letters of gold!
Only fifteen George Washingtons.
What do you say, Sport?
Weyland (nods): That sounds logical…. (He taps the mouse.)
Wise choice, Slick.
Give us your credit card number and home addy now.
Weyland filled in the info.
Thanks for the funds. Please wait for verification and your confirmation number.
Weyland stares at the screen, drumming his fingers. After a while he goes downstairs to refill his coffee mug. When he gets back, Morgan is IMing him.
Wey: Hi, sweetheart!
Morgan: What did you do, you bum?
Wey: ???
Morgan: You don’t call me sweetheart in real life, let alone online! What did you do?
Wey: Nothing! I’m just waiting for something to download.
Morgan: You’re not trying to sneak out an extra newspage this month, are you? Dear Goddess, if you put as much time on monster.com or in helping around the house as you do on that newspage, my life would be SO much easier!
Wey: It won’t be a news page much longer. It’ll be a blog.
Morgan: Well, you’re going to have to post THAT all by yourself, darlin, just like a big boy. Between kids, college, running my own business and cleaning up the littered spoor you leave behind you like a slime trail every day, MY plate is crammed FULL.
Wey: Speaking of which, where are you?
Morgan: Down the street at The Blessed Bean, having a latte.
Weyland starts to hyperventilate. He catches himself, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and thinks of a gentle forest stream. The water is ice pick cold, burbling softly, and clear as a windowpane. He can see Morgan’s face perfectly as he holds her head underwater– Nope, wrong visualization.
Wey: So close. Should I join you after I’m done here?
Morgan: Suuure. Are you alright?
Wey: Finest kind, why?
Morgan: You’re usually so bitchy in the AM.
Wey: ME? Why, you little
Delete
Wey: I’m a kinder, gentler poobah now.
Morgan: Finally got that diploma mill ordination, did you? Hah! The whole Trad has a betting pool set up. Smart money says you won’t last the day before you freak out and go ballistic.
Wey: Hope you didn’t bet a car payment, sweetie.
Morgan: We’ll see. Be here soon.
Wey: Right away.
Morgan: ***This user has signed off and is no longer online***
The big screen still hasn’t changed. Weyland scrolls down.
Problems? IM our professional & courteous personnel, on call 24/7.
Weyland jabs the help button.
Big Al: This is Al Sleet. What’s up?
Wey: Do we know each other? Your name’s familiar….
Big Al: I used to be a weatherman, man. What’s your sitch?
Wey: I just got ordained. Bought a clergy ID and can’t get my confirmation #.
Big Al: You actually bought one of those? LOL
Wey: What’s so funny?
Big Al: You! Were you worried nobody’d believe you’re clergy? LOL. What a loser!
Wey: I’m not interested in your opinion of me. Just get me my confirmation #.
Big Al: Sure, Sport. Hold on.
Weyland finishes his coffee and drums his fingers some more.
Big Al: Houston, we have a problem.
Wey: What’s wrong?
Big Al: Your card got declined, Ace. No sale.
Wey: They declined a $15 purchase?!
Big Al: Sux being you, huh, Sport?
Wey: Can I put it on my Discover card?
Big Al: We don’t take Discover.
Wey: Everybody takes Discover!
Big Al: Not us.
Wey: How about a debit card?
Big Al: I don’t think so, man.
Wey: But it comes right out of my bank account.
Big Al: That’s my point. You’re too poor to be spending money on stuff like this, man. I’m turning you down for your own good.
Wey: You’re telling me what to do in my life? Who are you, the Pope?
Big Al: Tough love, Buddy. You’ll thank me someday.
Wey: Since you’re so concerned about my welfare, how about fronting me 15 bux?
Big Al: You’d have me play God?
Wey: You can play the Jersey Devil for all I care! I just want my card!
Big Al: You won’t get it from me.
Wey: Give me your supervisor.
Big Al: Nietzche said He’s dead, man.
Wey: So are you if you don’t give me my freaking card, you maniac!
Big Al: ***This user has signed off and is no longer online.***
Weyland (grabs the screen and shakes it so hard it snaps off in his hands): Arrgh!
Celeste (materializes behind him and looks at her wrist): All right, who had five minutes?
***
author bio:
Weyland Smith lives in Mercer County New Jersey with the bright and beautiful Morgan, her two children, and their cats & familiars Flame and Macavity. They may be reached at [email protected] Any and all rumors that Weyland and New Jersey governor John Corzine were twins who were separated at birth are completely bogus–Wey’s a Republican. (And a poor Republican, at that! Sheesh…)