This past month has certainly been an interesting one for myself. I completed my degree on January 30 so I found that I had a lot of extra time on my hands. It didn’t take long for me to find something to fill that extra time with. An interesting thing about a person’s spiritual journey is that you never know when a thought will enter your mind and force you to face it until it is resolved. It may keep popping in off and on, but eventually resolution will be reached which was the goal to begin with. I had a couple of moments like that this past month, but I will only share one here. Maybe after you read my experience, you will have your own similar story to share.
I was driving to the store a few weeks ago. As usual, I passed many churches with their message signs out in front. One sign in particular caught my attention. It read “Father Forgive Me”. As soon as I read those words, I could feel my blood begin to boil. The only words that I found repeatedly racing through my mind were “How dare you!!” Maybe this was a bit of an over-reaction, but I think it has been building up inside of me for years now. Finally, whatever bubble was trying to hold it all in BURST!
Over the next several days, I continued to think about that sign. I felt angry and hurt. I felt deeply offended. I absolutely hated that sign more than any other sign I have seen in my life. I decided that I needed to take some time and deal with these feelings I had toward Christianity. Over the years, I never really faced my feelings on this subject. When I began my journey on the pagan path, I simply turned my back on Christianity and started walking in the opposite direction. There was no obvious closure made. I can only assume that because I didn’t say a formal good-bye, that is the reason I react the way I do at times. I finally found the time and I made myself ready for what I had to do. I had to talk to Jesus….for the last time.
I waited until I knew I would not be disturbed for a couple of hours. Around midnight, I grabbed my blanket and walked outside. I sat down and cleared my mind the best I knew how. Then I began. Over the next two hours, I yelled, I screamed, I cried, I shook my head and my arms. I told Jesus exactly what I thought about him and his followers. I told him him how hurt I was to become an adult and learn I had been tricked by him and his churches. I was of ashamed him. I thought it was insulting to be made to follow someone because of all the fears that were placed in my mind and my soul. I explained that I realized now the I never stood a chance. How can you have a chance when you are born a sinner. I cursed at the top of my lungs. I told him what he could do with his commandments and his sheep. By the time I was done, I was mentally exhausted. I was physically exhausted. I wiped away my tears and looked up at the sky one more time. I said, “Jesus, I am through with you. I am resposible for my own soul and I will not allow you to have your hands on it. As for the rest of my family, that is their decision. Chances are you will never hear from me again. This suits me just fine because you can no longer threaten me with your Hell.” I picked up my blanket, walked into my house and immediately fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t feel the least bit of guilt for what I had done. I actually felt a sense of peace that I have not felt before in my life. However, this was short lived. Within the next day or two, I was faced with even more. It involved my walk on the pagan path and finding what worked best for me. I had do dig deep within myself in order to answer some questions I never had answers for. During this exploration, I faced a lot about myself and finally found the real me in the spiritual chaos I created deep within. As you can already see, February was quite an eventful month.
For those of you who are currently walking the pagan path but were once Christians, can you relate to my story? Have you ever felt angry? What imprints has Christianity left on you? Feel free to share your story with me and the other readers. I had to have closure. I did what I felt was necessary for myself. Have you had to do the same? If so, how did you do it?